Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women: Return From Rehab

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the surf of the web–we’re back! Yep. The cheap ladies are all out of rehab and ready to party (the relapse rate is rather high amongst this group). But our constant tumbling off the wagon gives you plenty of entertainment and something to point to and say to your teenage daughters, “Keep acting like you do and all you’ll have in life is a blog and failing liver.” We might be questionable mothers to our own children, but we provide  life lessons for other people’s kids.

Anyway, now that we’re back at our desks/bars, we can get on with some new reviews. And those reviews are on their way, but since some of us were a little slow to relapse this time (stupid group therapy guilt), we won’t be rolling that out until next week. Hey! Don’t run off. I still have something for you. It’s something my slightly not-right brain came up with–a flash of freakin’ genius. So keep reading and you will be dazzled by the depths of my depravity.

Cheap Woman Mission: Saving Manliness

trashy book cover 2


During the months of reviewing cheap bubbly here on the blog, I found my husband participating in the activities. Sometimes this was forced  on him due to some of the Cheap Women being busy with things like running phone scams and juvenile court, and other times it was just because he couldn’t resist the lure of bubbly goodness (and probably thought if he stuck around long enough my panties might accidentally fall off). One evening I happened to look up as he was taking a sip out of one of our champagne flutes and realized that there’s nothing manly or macho about drinking champagne. My hubby is a big, hairy man, but seeing him sip from that dainty little glass kind of made him go from this…

matt manly

to this…

matt champagne

See what I mean?!? He’s all ass-kickin’ manly with that gun in his hand, but switch it out for a champagne flute and BAM–sequins and unicorns! Now, maybe you want to argue that the bubble bath and that blonde chinchilla sleeping on his head play a part in the manliness depletion, but I still blame the champagne flute.

My next thought was, naturally, how can I change that? What can I do to make drinking bubbly a little more manly? Pour it in a mug? No. Drink it straight from the bottle? No. Too probably-dated-Kim-Kardashian. A koozie? Wouldn’t fit the glass. Wine tag? Ding-Ding-Ding!! I had a winner. What if I made manly wine tags? The dirty little gears in my brain started turning. I thought of ideas like little camo bands or tags with things like tiny cars, guns, mufflers, golf clubs and fishing lures. But that’s too boring.

So I let the idea simmer on the back burners for awhile and went about my business. And that’s when it happened. I was driving down the road when one of the millions of pickup trucks in Texas drove past me–and there it was. Swinging below the hitch was a giant set of peachy-colored Truck Nutz. What are Truck Nutz? They are a set of giant plastic testicles you can attach to your vehicle so the world knows that you’re just insecure enough about your manliness that you have to prove that you are a grade A-deer-hunting-butt-scratching-boob-ogling-American man. And what would be perfect for a man who doesn’t feel like he’s representing his Y chromosome to the fullest?  Why that would be a set of miniature balls hanging on his glass. And with that, ladies and gents, I give you…



cup nuts normal

Nothing else declares you a man like a set of nads secured to a stem. A dude can strut through any baby shower or wedding he’s forced to attend with macho confidence as he sips from a flute adorned with Cup Nuts. And don’t worry, I’ve come up with nuts to match the men who use them.

cup nuts closeup

 For the run-of-the-mill white to slightly beige dudes.

cup nuts red

For the gingers out there who don’t wear anything under their kilts when they’re throwing poles around.

cup nuts grey

For the older gentlemen or maybe Gandalf.

cup nuts colored

For the men “of color.”

cup nuts colored 3

For the men “of color” who inspired the legends.

cup nuts blue

For the frustrated man who’s not getting any action.

cup nuts crab

For the avid fisherman, sailor, or the guy who just really needs to visit the clinic (probably the sailor).

cup nuts fabulous

And, finally, for the guy who’s just fabulous and proud. Or maybe the guy who man-scapes a little too much and decided to try out vajazzling for himself (if your man did this, please strongly encourage him to accept his fabulous nature and to move out of your closet).

And that’s it! What do you think? Genius, right?!? I think they’re so awesome that I might even use them for when I’m feeling a little butch. If you think your man is in need of some Cup Nuts before that next fundraiser brunch you drag him to, let me know.

Think about just how manly they would look if they'd been using Cup Nuts.

Think about just how manly they’d look if they’d been using Cup Nuts.


**Seriously. Cup Nuts, Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women, and all the other stuff you find on my blog is the creation of my warped little mind. Copyrights and all that jazz applies. In fact, a trademark is in the pipes.

Mommy’s Little Helper Monday: Back to School 2014

I don’t have much to say other than thank God for the first day of school!! I changed my Facebook cover photo to reflect that feeling.


I hope all of you parents who were teetering on the brink and considering swimming the Rio Grande to take your chances in Mexico made it through. Find some happiness now before the PTA guilts you into volunteering and takes away your will to live.

Happy First Day of School. Now, go pee in peace and have an adult conversation with your liquor cabinet.




Hi. My name is Ash and I’m a Halloween-aholic. I’ve been clean for ZERO days. There is really no hope for me. If I did earn a little token, I would only turn it into some type of decoration for the holiday. I also enable others with the same addiction. If you want to get on a wagon, make it mine. It will ride down haunted trails. I have a second blog Called WckedWords. I’ve been posting a Hallo-Wicked-Ween series. I thought some of you might like to enjoy the inspirations I’ve been gathering for the best holiday EVER. Go ahead, take a look. I know you want to.

So here are links to some of the blogs I’ve written so far on my very favorite holiday. Check them out for some inspiration.


Who doesn’t love a freakin’ candy apple. Go check out the ones that made my list of 8 Creative Candy Apples.

20 (1)

Maybe apples are too tame for you. Here’s some make-up designs to freak you the hell out.

Halloween Bling (1)

If you like shiny things (and who the freak doesn’t?) go read Halloween Bling for Fancy Bitches Witches.


And for some chuckles give 15 Kids Who Won Halloween a spin.

Snake-themed (1)

For some reptilian love read about how to add some snakes to your Halloween theme.


Do you love to bake or you’re thinking of a black and white theme? Here you go. And you’re welcome.


And, finally, here are some amazing Halloween hats for you to salivate over.

See, I’ve actually been blogging, it’s just been on my other blog. There’s lots of stuff over there other than Halloween. Feel free to check it out. If not, stick around here. School starts Monday and that means it’s also the opening of drinking season. Ok, the opening of Fall drinking season as summer season closes this Sunday. Mommy’s Little Helper will be back as well as those crazy ladies of Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women.

See you soon!!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday–Squirrel!!!

Yeah, I had plans to write a new Mommy’s Little Helper Monday piece for today, but I have the attention span of a goldfish. I got distracted by a squirrel or something shiny and didn’t get it done. But that same attention disorder gave me the idea for the little sketch I did below. Happy Monday, y’all. I try harder next…oh, look, a butterfly…

ADD Wander

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum…


This graphic was plundered from the folks at (it's like a porn site for drunkards)!

This graphic was plundered from the folks at (it’s like a porn site for drunkards)!

I love me some rum. It’s just a happy drink that makes me think of white sands, blue waters and pirates (movie pirates, not the authentic scurvy and scabies ridden ones). I’ll drink it any time of year, but it’s summer and that means it’s a necessity. No summer is complete without some frothy goodness infused with either a spicy or coconutty (it’s my blog so I can make words up) rum. In the right amount, I merely refrain from making children walk the plank; too much, and I may end up browsing for cursing parrots on Craigslist. Either way, it makes life interesting while tasting good.

This love of rum sent me to Pinterest (that evil mind control place taking over women one fake wedding at a time) and looking up rum recipes. I collected 6 of them that sounded like something I’d enjoy and that possibly you would, too. So if you have an inner pirate dying to be set loose on unsuspecting family and neighbors–keep on reading!!

Rum (1)

Mmmm… Sorry!! I Got lost staring at that picture (that I totally made at Canva) and drooled on my keyboard. Let’s get down to business and start off with those nummy looking popsicles up there. I snagged that recipe and photo off of Endless Simmer. They’re called Dirty Pirate Popsicles. They had me and dirty…and pirate…and rum. There are only 3 ingredients which makes this lazy wench happy: Coke, Captain Morgan and Kahlua. If you want to check out the exact recipe click HERE.

What a beautiful picture of Dirty Pirate Popsicles from Endless Simmer.

What a beautiful picture of Dirty Pirate Popsicles from Endless Simmer.

Our next stop is at the Island of “A House in the Hills” for a recipe for a lovely Lemon Shandy with Dark Rum Float. There are only 5 little ingredients needed for this fancy little drink. It calls for hefeweizen beer and dark rum for the kick. I think I’ll be giving it a try if for no other reason than the fact that the blogger took such amazing photos of this drink. Go check her out and look for other goodies. (Besides, I have UC and she has Crohn’s, and us intestinally challenged chicks gotta stick together.)

A lemon shandy with a dark rum float by Sarah over at A House in the Hills.

A lemon shandy with a dark rum float by Sarah over at A House in the Hills.

Now, that we’ve got a dose of sunshine prettiness, let’s dock this vessel over at a darker port. Hold onto your bootie ’cause things look a little shady over here at where they’re serving up a recipe for Bonefish Grills’s Blackberry Rum Runner. Who can resist that deep purple color?!? Not this pirate. Now, this is more on the fancy-smancy side as it requires 7 ingredients and get’s a little too specific for my taste. I mean, will the drink explode if you use 4 instead of 3 blackberries? (I hope so. That would be some cool shit!) This is one I think I’m going to give a try and possibly make some adjustments, starting with a little Jolly Roger flag sticking out of it.

Bonefish Grill's Blackberry Rum Runner

Bonefish Grill’s Blackberry Rum Runner

All aboard The Drunken Wench so we can steer her down south where pirates must have had their way with some southern dubutantes and produced this drink. The lovely blog invented this lovely cocktail called a Georgia Meets Bermuda and described as peach sweet tea and rum. They’re even kind enough to instruct you on how to make proper sweet tea so all the Yankees out there can enjoy this drink, too. There are only 4 ingredients, so this sounds like a go for me.

Georgia Meets Bermuda: peaches, sweet tea and rum!

Georgia Meets Bermuda: peaches, sweet tea and rum!

Let’s finish off with something sweet. Who can possibly resist something called “Boozy Brownies?” Not this sea wench. Head over to have a visit with Sasha Rumage at Tattooed Martha (how can we have a pirate theme without some tattoos?). She has made a batch of yumminess called Boozy Brownies with salted caramel rum sauce. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a minute to let that all soak in. Seriously, take your time. Go to another room if you need to. Back? All good? Ok, on with details. This is the most complicated of all the recipes but good things come to those who have the patience and time. Even if it just looks like too much work for you, take some time to look around at the blog. Look at those bad ass photos. Look at the Sailor Jerry rum! Yes, I keep large bottles of this in our cabinet.

Boozy Brownies with salted caramel RUM sauce from Tattoed Martha.

Boozy Brownies with salted caramel RUM sauce from Tattooed Martha.

Our final stop on this rummy booze cruise will be in Turks and Caicos. I had to post this because I’ve been dropping hints begging for the hubby to take me there. I’m even wearing Turquoise and Caicos nail polish by Essie, for God’s sake. Anyhow, I saw this rum punch recipe on the ultra lovely blog Sugar and Charm. Head on over there and check out this recipe for the Turks and Caicos Rum Punch and all the other stuff they have going on. There are only 5 ingredients, so you can’t go wrong.

Now, off with you scurvy dogs and scallywags! Take these inspirations and plan how you’ll be intaking your rum this weekend. Arrgghhhhh……


One-Boobed Sally (my pirate name)

Cheap Champagne-palooza (part 2)

champagne banner

Ok, I know it’s well past New Year’s Eve, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop drinking bubbly. My intention was to get this out before the year changed, but we ended up in a bar with a bunch of crazy guys from Holland–I got distracted (and possibly a little tipsy playing the alligator game). Anyway, part one of this post covered prosecco and this installment is covering the cheapest of the cheap. My directions to the panel of Cheap Women was pretty much along the lines of “go find the cheapest shit you can and drink it”. So, let’s see what the bravest of the ladies picked and what they had to say about them.

Baby New Year knows how to start the year off.

Baby New Year knows how to start the year off.

Lil' Brut

Lil’ Brut

I chose to review Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée over the other options, thinking I might get a better “champagne”. Nope. The “crisp apple flavor” the label mentioned, tasted mainly bitter and somewhat sour, not exactly what I would call “crisp”. It was as if I were drinking a diet coke. I hate diet coke. I do, however, like Brut “champagne”, but this Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée, did not measure up. The Big Brute took one sip, compared it to Sprite, and then poured out the remainder of the glass. I hate Sprite. We went out to meet friends later that night for a New Years Eve celebration, and when the free champagne was passed around, I passed on having a glass (actually plastic cup). The Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée, put me off having a second sip of “champagne” for the night. I toasted the New Year with Modelo Especial and a long kiss from the Big Brute, instead. I give this 1 press on nail.

Jezebelle Noir

Jezebelle Noir

Barefoot Bubbly Cuvée. I like the name. It just sounds fancy… Without the fancy price! I bought this bottle of champagne after a long day of Christmas shopping with my three kids. Let’s just say I was already trying to pry open the bottle with my teeth in the car on my way home! But don’t worry–I didn’t. I don’t drink and drive with the kids in the car. Anyway, I made it home and popped that sucker open lickity split. I waited for the bubbles to settle after erupting from the bottle, then I took a swig. Sppppppppplahhh!!!! What the? It wasn’t even swallowable! It was bitter and dry and just flat-out nasty! Tasted like monkey vomit! Or how I would imagine monkey vomit would taste like. Rating: 1 press-on nail.

Fab photo courtesy of Kittie Tattinger.

Fab photo courtesy of Kittie Tattinger.

Kittie Tattinger

Kittie Tattinger

Cook’s Brut Grand Reserve Rocks! I was shocked, so was my dh! I really thought it would suck so I prepared myself with putting happiness around me. 1st- had it for breakfast on NYE. 2nd- pulled up London’s 2012 to 13 NYE fireworks on YouTube. 3rd- used a mustard jar from Paris. I’m missing Europe and really want champagne…. First taste? nice! Second? nice! Rest of the glass? Yum…gone! Dry but not too dry. No funky aftertaste. The rest of the bottle went down quick and wished I had bought more.

4.5 press on nails. (-.5 as no height on the cork). Would buy again and hide the label. Great cheap plonk for a boozy bird!!!

Sassy Bubbles

Sassy Bubbles

Cook’s Brut Grand Reserve. This was kinda decent for the price, & if I were a teenager again I’d have totally traded in my Purple Passion! I tried, but I just couldn’t talk myself into loving it. Not sure how it got its name, cuz nothing about it shouted grand or reserve! I tried it alone first & couldn’t drink it by itself – I ended up enjoying it as a mustache mimosa! Every cheap    Champagne/sparkling wine girl needs a mustache wine glass!  2.2 press on nails

Tipsy Tiffanie

Tipsy Tiffanie

In an effort to do something for my fellow man before the end of 2013, I dove head first into the world of cheap champagne last night.  By cheap- I mean Cook’s Extra Brut….$7.95.  My hopes were not high, but armed with my best friend and Dirty Dancing on tv who could go wrong?  I’m not one for fancy stemware all the time, but we figured this might be an occasion for champagne glasses.  The first glass was brutal, but being true alcoholics, we choked it down and persevered and poured another glass.  We unanimously decided it tasted a lot like sparkling apple cider.  You know- the kind in the Welch’s bottle in the juice aisle at your local Wal-Mart?  By the time we got to the end of the bottle, we were wishing Patrick Swayze was standing in the living room threatening anyone who puts baby in the corner! All said and done- I’d give it 1.5 Press on Nails.  Would I drink it again….in a pinch….HELL YES!

Moxie Mimosa

Moxie Mimosa

Cook’s Extra Dry: The Book Club ladies and I met Saturday morning for our Christmas party, and to taste test our champagne. While our omelettes in a bag cooked (recipe posted further down), we tried our bubbly. I do believe this is the first time we ever drank Cook’s naked – meaning without it being in orange juice first. Who knew it tasted like old socks? Dirty, old socks! Hold your nose, and keep drinking until the timer goes off and your omelets are done. Now, reward yourself by putting some orange juice in your dirty sick champagne!  If give Cook’s 1 press on nail by itself, and 2 1/2 in a mimosa. But, I give the ziplock bag omelets 4 press on nails!

Venus DeRiesling

Venus DeRiesling

To quote my best friend about our libations this fine evening: “they were both crapass!” I dug deep bc i had to play catchup and drink 2 champagnes: Cupcake Prosecco and Cook’s Extra Dry. After a trip to Walmart, a bowl of hearty homemade chili, and Memphis fudge pie, me, my bff and Dallas bestie set out to do our Hussie duty, Now my bff is visiting from Memphis and was pretty excited @ Prosecco bc she just loves Prosecco…. Well, not this one. To quote my other girlfriend tonight, “it tastes like alcoholic tonic water” and made us wish we were back in our crazy, broke, college days sucking down Boones Farm! Speaking of stuff we sucked down in our glory days gone by… Cooks was a step up in that we didn’t have to pour the entire can of peach nectar into our glasses to stomach this swill.  Our assessment: Prosecco rates 1 press on nail,  and said nail fell off and cracked in half. I should’ve used super glue to hold it on and it probably would’ve tasted better than that Prosecco.  Cooks rates 1 press on nail that stayed glued!

Sparkle Spumante

Sparkle Spumante

yellow tail sparkling white wine. I should have known to stay away from anything that’s name gave me a mental image of a fluffy dog’s pee stained ass (I know- but once you’ve had to scrub dysentery off a mean Pomeranian’s ass, the image never leaves you). Usually you do the walk of shame the morning after drinking; I did the walk of shame buying this one. I should have worn a disguise because my little wine guy looked at me with a very disappointed expression. This stuff comes from Australia. I like Australia and have had massive fun with Australian friends. This stuff they should keep down under–way under. Pour it around your tents to keep dingoes from stealing babies. I couldn’t make it through half a glass, but it did make great mimosas the next day. Save this for that purpose or to take your nail polish off with. 1 dingo-chewed press-on nail by itself but makes a 3 press-on nail mimosa.

Dom Bigolo

Dom Bigolo

yellow tail sparkling white wine: Took a sip. Looked concerned. Left room and came back with scotch. No nails for you.

Chardonnay-nay Jones

Chardonnay-nay Jones

yellow tail sparkling rose wine: It looks so pretty and pink in the glass with all it’s bubbles, it makes you feel a little sexy like when Matthew McConaughey suddenly swaggers into your dream. You start feeling all flirty and girly and the bubbles make you tingly, then you take that first sip and–Oh, My God!! Suddenly it’s Dallas Buyers Club Matthew–naked!! No matter what, you can’t get that image out of your brain or taste out of your mouth…unless you keep drinking. Eventually your tongue doesn’t care, you finish the bottle and go on to have dreams about Todd Bridges (Willis) taking you to the circus. 1.5 press-on nails.

The Lesson: Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid

Ok, usually I blow your mind with some trivia so you can show off at your next “Cousin So-in-so got out of jail” party, but not this time. I just didn’t feel like doing the research, so the ladies came to the rescue. Thee girls happened to send little extras in with their reviews, so I thought I’d include them here as useful tips. First a health tip from Lil’ Brut.

The more blueberries you shove in to your champagne glass, the more nutritious your "champagne" becomes. (backdrop courtesy of my daughter's princess petal dress).

The more blueberries you shove in to your champagne glass, the more nutritious your “champagne” becomes. (backdrop courtesy of my daughter’s princess petal dress).

Who knew that being healthier could be so easy. In fact, Moxie Mimosa supplied us with a healthy recipe that uses plastic bags and boiling water–cheap woman version of Julia Child!

Here is the recipe for an omelet in a bag wine tasting brunch:  Write your name on a ziplock bag, put your preferred omelet ingredients (already set out in bowls by your hostess) in the bag, then add 2 eggs and zip the bag. Smash it all up together and throw all the bags in a big pot of boiling water. Set the timer for 13 minutes and open your champagne. Open the bag with your name on it, and pour your perfectly prepared omelet onto your plate. Kids and old people will love ’em!

Now, that’s my kind of recipe. Sassy Bubbles didn’t send a recipe but she did send a nice photo of an accessory that makes any cheap bubbly or mimosa even more fun to drink.

Mustache glass!!

Mustache glass!!

All the cheap women of the blog hope your 2014 has started off great. We’ll be back soon with some recipes to help make the most of cheapest, nastiest bubblies out there.


Let go.

Let go.

I don’t like New Year’s Eve. I’m admittedly a “half-empty” kind of girl, so the holiday has been more of a big, flashy reminder of what I didn’t finish than a symbol of all the possibilities to come in the new year. I make resolutions on my birthday instead of the New Year. It’s only 30 days away, so it just gives my inner procrastinator a chance to lounge around in all the bad habits I’ll be sure to swear off in my infinite list of self-mandated improvements.

On my birthday I write out a list so long and detailed that even the most disciplined, type A personality would find it difficult to achieve. And then I spend the rest of the year failing to meet most of them and berating myself for my weakness and obvious shortcomings as a wife, mother, and woman. It’s a depleting and exhausting ride and I’m ready to get off.

This year I decided to make my resolutions on New Year’s Eve instead of waiting until the end of January. Why? Because I had odd senses of hope this year instead of dread and shame. It wasn’t a great year in many ways for me and my family, but instead I chose to focus on two simple things: I published a book and kept my children healthy. Then I sat down, ready to scribble out my insane list of all my resolutions. Goals and changes began to rattle through my brain at a machine gun rate. My inner voice considers me infinitely flawed, so it isn’t hard to dig up changes I need to make. But then something happened–I switched it off. The nagging voices stopped and one thought came through, “Let it go.” It was such a simple, pure thought that settled on me like the feeling of a blue sky and crisp air. I could breathe in that thought. I could hold my face up to it and feel it like the warmth of the sun.

So this is my resolution as its three small words encompass everything for me without the feeling of being overwhelmed.

I will let go of the comfortableness of distractions and embrace what is truly going on around me no matter how much it scares me.

I will let go of the shame of my unwashed dishes and cluttered house and embrace the reality that my children will remember how much time I spent with them more than the dust bunnies in the corners.

I will let go of living in the “should haves” of the past and the “need to’s” of the future and embrace the “I am” of the moment.

I will let go of obsessing over making projects perfect and embrace the joy of completion and the wisdom that comes with mistakes.

I will let go of the fear I have of loss and never having again that prod me to hang on to everything. I will embrace the feelings of how light I’ll feel when I’m able to release the clutter. I will let go off the shame I may feel when it doesn’t go as quickly as I want.

I will let go of comparing myself to others and always feeling less than. I will embrace the word “enough” and believe myself to be just that.

I will let go of the labels the schools and doctors put on my children and wash my hands of fretting over the fact that my kids do not fit smoothly into ranks of our education system. Instead, I will embrace all the gifts my children have and embrace the fact that it’s not the sheep who become the leaders—average cannot breed extraordinary.

I will let go of my need to apologize for things I have no control over.

I will let go of the chains of anger and hurt I feel for those who wronged and abused me when I was so vulnerable, for those chains keep me bound to them. I will learn to embrace forgiveness and the freedom that comes with it.

I will let go of the fear that comes with every wrinkle that I’m losing the only asset people thought I had. I will embrace the things inside me and not worry if others see them or not.

I will let go of the guilt I carry for the wrongs I’ve done—real and perceived—decades ago.

I will let go of my fear that I will make a wrong decision that will disappoint others or make me look like a fool. I will embrace the excitement of chance and the possibilities on the other side of that first leap.

I will let go of my hatred I harbor towards my hips and thighs. I will embrace that I am a woman with curves that my husband loves and that my thick thighs are full of ballet and track-trained muscle.

I will let go of the worry and anger over scuffed walls, stained carpets and chipped furniture created by my boys and embrace—truly embrace—that these moments are fleeting and will be missed.

I will let go of the worry that I’m not forcing my children into the adult-worthy schedule of activities that many kids around them have. I will embrace that simply allowing them to be children is the greatest gift I can give them.

I will let go of feeling like a victim and embrace that I’m a survivor.

I will let go of my desire to mirror the lives of others around us who I don’t even know. I will embrace the life that mirrors my soul and all its quirks and uniqueness.

I will let go of the fear that I will never leave my mark on this world and I will embrace the people around me who’s hearts I leave marks on every day.

I will let go of my angst over the dog hair on everything and the holes in the yard and spend more time marveling at the wonder that a species, so different from us, wants nothing more than to love her human pack.

I will let go the heavy weight of all the ugly memories, feelings and fears that I carry so that my arms will be free to embrace life.

I will let go of the security of keeping my feet planted. I will spread my arms and leap, embracing my dreams as I soar.

I will let go.

Let go.

Let go.

New Year’s Eve Cheap Champagne-palooza (part one)

New Years is comin', y'all! Get your sparkle on, cheap ladies.

New Years is comin’, y’all! Get your sparkle on, cheap ladies.

The blog may have taken a week off for the holidays but the cheap ladies did not. They kept on drinking, staying true to their commitment to help out the cause and to stay drunk enough that no relatives were shanked or drowned in a punch bowl of nog. Christmas week I assigned the girls three bottles of prosecco and this week I was very loose with my instructions but insisted that what they tried had to be cheap–rollin’-pennies-for-smokes-cheap. But I’m gonna stretch this out Hollywood style and break this into 2 parts when really one would do. On with the show.

The Lesson: Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid

Prosecco? For some this may leave you with a blank face just like cava did, but I can clear it up real quick. Prosecco is simply Italian sparkling wine. Cava is spanish this is Italian. I personally love me some Italy so I was excited about this assignment. If they sold blow-up gondolas at the WalMart, I would have bought one and stuck it in the bathtub with me while I drank (probably not safe, so don’t do it and then sue me because your stupid ass drowned). Outside of where it’s produced, another main difference between prosecco and champagne is that the latter is typically produced using the Charmat method, meaning the secondary fermentation takes place in large, stainless steel tanks instead of the bottle. This helps to keep the price down but the DOCG does allow for use of the classic method as well.

DOCG? No, it’s not a new rap group made up of Snoop Dog and Kenny G’s children, it’s an agency of the Italian government. Remember that the Italians and the French are sticklers for authenticity and tradition, so the DOCG (Denominazione di Origine Controllata e Garantita=controlled designation of origin guaranteed) is the FDA, ATF, Secret Service, FBI, Big Brother, etc… They make sure stuff is what it says it is and writes a bunch of rules to keep those Italians from slipping fakes past us by distracting us with their sexiness. Inspector 12 makes sure the tighty-whiteys are the real deal here in the US while Giancarlo makes sure your prosecco is labeled correctly with Brut or Extra Dry. Another variant with prosecco is that it comes in either spumante (fully sparkling) or as frizzante (lightly sparkling). Spumante is the more expensive of the two.

Inspector !2 working hard for the US.

Inspector !2 working hard for the US.

The DOCG working hard for Italy.

The DOCG working hard for Italy.

The Line-up:

the italian suspects

LaMarca Prosecco

Well, according to their website this Italian sparkler is supposed to be the bomb. It claims to be named one of the top 100 wines and has been featured in several magazines. Let’s see if our cheap women think it stands up to the hype.

Moxie Mimosa

Moxie Mimosa

So, this morning we tested LaMarca Prosecco. Pretty bottle, kind of Tiffany blue with a silver crown and silver foil on the cork. Today was Chinella Tequila’s birthday (her witness protection name), and she’s been depressed ever since she lost her toes, so I thought a bottle of bubbly in its own jewelry box would be just the thing to cheer her up. Sadly, the LaMarca was a lot like some men I dated in my younger days–all show and no go. It had a nice satisfying “Pop” and sigh when opened, and the first taste was really nice, but it had a kind of lingering aftertaste, and lost its bubbliness quickly after pouring. It did not taste any better in the Mimosas, and Cindy was beginning to wonder if you got a discount on your pedicure if you didn’t have toes on one foot!
I give it 2 1/2 press-on nails!

Asti BoomBoom

Asti BoomBoom

So I was given the LaMarca prosecco to try this week. I even had a fancy pants shindig to bring a bottle to.  Everyone was excited to try it, until we actually tasted it. I can’t believe I paid $13 for what essentially tasted like unsweetened ginger ale. It was bitter and very flat tasting. The color was nice, and it was fizzy, but no one was able to get through a glass. We finally got the bright idea to add some sangria which at least made it tolerable.  The $10 bottle of Friexenet I had last week was much better. Save your money and pass on this one.

I give it 1 Press-on Nail.

2 of the five ladies were unable to participate this week due to cramps and probation hearings; and one of them just got drunk and confused, but I’m printing her story for the hell of it (and because it made me laugh).

Cristal Chandelier

Cristal Chandelier

Guess what?  I found the Barefoot Bubbly’s evil twin….pink color and all!Last week I had a holiday party to attend and I may or may not have started my own pre-party before my friend to pick me up.  We then headed to Trader Joe’s to grab more beverages and I racked my brain trying to remember my assigned bubbly for the week.  I told the helpful clerk it was, “some kind of prosecco…but you guys might not have it, so just recommend something.”  And so he did.  I was already a fan of prosecco and when he mentioned it had a touch of cranberry added to it, my already fuzzy brain thought, “Score!”  I should have known I was in trouble when my friend giggled as she grabbed herself a 6-pack of winter brew.  (note to self….never take drink recommendations from a boy who looks all of 15 years old)We arrived at the party and everyone loved my sparkly pink drink…well, at least they liked the color.  We all agreed it tasted like cranberry sprite with a kick (sound familiar?) but at that point I didn’t care because it was all I had to drink and I couldn’t remember the correct rhyme for which drinks are ok to drink before others to prevent a wicked hangover.  So I drank the whole bottle–from a plastic cup.
And possibly showed my boobs at one point…after sending my husband a naughty text. So…even though I couldn’t finish the Barefoot Bubbly we reviewed the first week and I only gave it 2.5 press-on nails, I’m going to give this one 3 press-on nails because I had an awesome time at the party.  So awesome that I put my contacts in the wrong sides of their case when I got home and momentarily thought I was going blind the next morning when I went to put them back in.  Also, I seem to remember someone else in the group doing that a time or two (cough cough).  I have no clue what the name of the stuff I drank was called, but it’s some kind of pink prosecco and I think it was like $4.99 for the bottle.  Does that make me a cheap drunk?

May or may not be a photo of Cristal after drinking the Trader Joe's bubbly at her party.

May or may not be a photo of Cristal after drinking the Trader Joe’s bubbly at her party.

The verdict: Well, if LaMarca was to stand on it’s own, it would get a whopping 1.75 nails. That ain’t good. If we throw it a bone and include the mystery Trader Joe’s ranking as a little dose of Viagra, it rises to a 2.1. That still ain’t too good. Our advice looks like it’s saying “don’t take it to parking lots or fancy parties, but if you can find the Trader Joe’s shit, somebody is gonna see some boobies.”

Cupcake Prosecco:

Cupcake is an American made prosecco that uses grapes from Italy (maybe Inspector 12 moonlights for them). It uses the Charmat method we covered up there (go read it if you skipped over it–this ain’t the damn ACT). I don’t know much but the annoying little video intro on their web page made sure to tell us over and over that Cupcake was “America’s Favorite Premium Wine.” Uh…I’d like to know what they meant by premium and how they surveyed America because I don’t think any of us were asked. Let’s see if we agree with their claim.

Jezebelle Noir

Jezebelle Noir

My assigned champagne this week is Cupcake Prosecco. I have to say I was a little concerned about drinking alcohol while on pain medicine for my back. Web MD says not to. Eh, to heck with it. What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger, right? So here is my review. I thought it might be a little sweeter because of its name, “Cupcake”. Instead it was kind of fruity. Sort of peachy-ish. I also noticed that it was very bland and flat. However, that very well could be because I disguised my alcoholic beverage in a Phineas and Ferb cup full of ice. I told myself to give a proper review I should finish off my drink and poor another one in a fancy glass – no ice. It was a little  more carbonated  but still a little bland and flat. Once again, finished the bottle. If you ask me if I would purchase this champagne again… Probably not. 2 press on nails!

Lil' Brut

Lil’ Brut

Pinot Noir is my favorite wine, so as I was purchasing Cupcake Prosecco, I noticed the Cupcake Pinot Noir, and since the Big Brut was off in the woods for the weekend hunting for meat for the family, I thought I might as well try both; it’s not like I had anything else to do. Both were good. But we’re judging the Prosecco, not the Pinot Noir here. During a very late brunch with a friend – can you call it brunch when you eat at 3:00 pm? – , we popped open the bottle. It was dry but fruity. It went down so very easily and changed our conversation from how we log on to our computers when we telecommute when working from home, to Art Bell’s retirement and other strange things “west of the Rockies”.  It left me wanting more, and yes, I turned the bottle upside down in search for the last little bit towards the end of the meal. I give this 4 press on nails but not more, because I could see the fruitiness of the champagne, though not sweet, becoming a bit too fruity for me if I had more than two glasses. Maybe. Or maybe, given the opportunity, I would drink the entire bottle. We’ll never know.

Kittie Tattinger

Kittie Tattinger

I would like to start my review by stating I’m thrilled to be drinking after 3 weeks of pneumonia! I was afraid this would skew my view as everything would taste great….but it didn’t. I reviewed Cupcake Prosecco. Hmmmm, Cupcake?? Ewwww! What kind of name is that? I like big dry red wines and Brut champagne- just the thought of a cupcake in liquid form made me want to mini-gag. At first sip I was pleasantly surprised it wasn’t as sweet as I imagined (I was envisioning a fluffy white frosted cupcake, with sprinkles!) so I took another sip and then another. There really was no after taste…until it warmed up by 5 degrees. When I took my last few sips from the first glass there was a notable artificial peach after taste. Memories of fuzzy navel hangovers from college hit me like a mac truck. I’m now on my second glass and that is all I taste. Drat! I’m not going to be able to finish this on my own. Epic FAIL.   This is definitely a breakfast bub. It needs a splash of O.J. to calm down the peach flavour. Your other option would be to drink it, PDQ!  I rate this 2.5 press-on nails. The cork hit the 20 ft. ceiling to land in the dust collector- that alone awards it ½ a nail. Would I drink this in the morning if it was the only bubbly we had? Yes, out of necessity, however I would never go out and buy this for me or anyone I like very much.

Venus DeRiesling

Venus DeRiesling

To quote my best friend about our libations this fine evening: “they were both crapass!” I dug deep bc i had to play catchup and drink 2 champagnes: Cupcake Prosecco and **Cook’s Extra Dry. After a trip to Walmart, a bowl of hearty homemade chili, and Memphis fudge pie, me, my bff and Dallas bestie set out to do our Hussie duty, Now my bff is visiting from Memphis and was pretty excited @ Prosecco bc she just loves Prosecco…. Well, not this one. To quote my other girlfriend tonight, “it tastes like alcoholic tonic water” and made us wish we were back in our crazy, broke, college days sucking down Boones Farm! Speaking of stuff we sucked down in our glory days gone by… Cooks was a step up in that we didn’t have to pour the entire can of peach nectar into our glasses to stomach this swill.  Our assessment: Prosecco rates 1 press on nail,  and said nail fell off and cracked in half. I should’ve used super glue to hold it on and it probably would’ve tasted better than that Prosecco.  Cooks rates 1 press on nail that stayed glued!

The Verdict: Cupcake seemed to be all over the place on the rating scale but the average came to under 2.5 nails. That being said, you may hate it or you may love it. Test it on a friend or some bitch at the hair salon you don’t like and go from there. **We’ll be looking more closely at the Cook’s review tomorrow when we dig deep in the cheap just in time for New Year’s Eve.

Ruffino Prosecco:

Ruffino is Italian made and those Ruffino folks have been making wines since 1877, so I’m guessing they might know something about it. This prosecco is classified as Extra Dry by those DOC folks, meaning it has a little more sugar in it. Let’s see what the panel had to say.

Sassy Bubbles

Sassy Bubbles

I found this one at my new favorite place to go in Hot Springs. The guy who runs it sounds just like Larry the Cable Guy & told me he’d order anything I want & have it in a week!  I feel that I EARNED this beautiful bubbly treat this week after all the shopping & wrapping!!! I give Ruffino 3.25 press on nails. It was good, it tasted like a nice dry crisp white wine with carbonation. It got 3.25 because it has a funky aftertaste. The good thing is after you’ve consumed enough, you could care less about the aftertaste!!

Sparkle Spumante

Sparkle Spumante

Roll me in this liquid glitter and give me a pole. It was a bottle of pale, sparkly happiness with just the right amount of sweet. The only down side is that the usually-drinking-expensive-single-malt-scotch husband liked it too. He stole half my damn bottle. If I’d been carrying a knife in my bra he would have gotten shanked…or I would have just accidentally stabbed myself while trying to prove I could still do the splits (I can’t). I give this party nectar 4 extra long and trashy Press-on Nails.

Dom Bigolo

Dom Bigolo

Panties were dropped. I give it 12 nails.

** We’re not sure what kind of 12-fingered carny folk Dom dated in his past, but we’re going to assume that means a 5.

The Verdict: This one looks like a winner. If those lazy whores Granny Hooch and Chardonnay-nay Jones had done their job we might have a different opinion, but since they didn’t–Ruffino gets 4 Press-on Nails. That ain’t bad at all.

Now, go out and try some Italian other than the waiter at Macaroni Grill named Tony Jr. and we’ll see you with our review of the cheapest sparkles out there. And until then, help me wish a big, FAT  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Asti BoomBoom!!!

Asti may be just that, but she's my friend. Happy birthday!

Asti may be just that, but she’s my friend. Happy birthday!

Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women: The Threesome

This week's selections and one photo-bombing cookie jar.

This week’s selections and one photo-bombing cookie jar.


This week we decided to do something a little different so that we could get as many reviews in as possible this month. I split the group into 3 (The Harlots, The Hussies, and The Floozies) and assigned each group a different bottle of bubbly. I tried to balance the groups between those who love sweet to middle and those who love middle to dry. It’s not a perfect system, but if you’re looking for that–you are SOOO reading the wrong blog. Since I snuck a really sweet one in on the group last week, I tried to make amends with those who are still cursing my name, and assigned three brut bubblys. But before we get started, I need to introduce you to a new member of our tasting team…

Trashy 14Moxie Mimosa:

This little mama actually grew one of these other cheap women in her oven, but we’ll never tell who. These day this witty granny works her way around the legal system (we’re just not sure which side of the bars she’s on). She spends her weekend furloughs running an underground gang of grandmothers who loiter in parking lots and get kicked out of restaurants for smuggling in booze. With parental guidance like that, you can see how the rest of us turned out this way.

The Lesson: Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid

All 3 of our selections this week are produced using the same method used to create traditional champagnes from the Champagne region of France– methode Champenoise. The secondary fermentation must take place in the bottle to qualify for this distinction. Domaine St. Michelle is produced in the US but Freixenet and Juame Serra Cristalino are both produced in the Catalonia region of Spain. Sparkling wines from Spain are called Cavas. There are laws in Spain that govern how they are produced. Not only must Cavas ferment in the bottle they will be sold in, they must also ferment for a minimum of 9 months. So, if you’re downing some of this Spanish bubbly, spraying it on your friends or licking it off of them, remember that a lot of time and effort went into making that sparkly goodness. Another note is that these wines are produced by using 3 types of grapes: Macabeo, Parellada, and Xarello. And now that we all feel a little smarter and can show-up the little know-it-all at the office Christmas party, let’s get on with the show.

The Three Amigos

After buying all three of the assigned beverages at my local Market Street, I got down to business. The first thing I had to do was pretty these bottles up a bit. I sent them all for some Glamor Shots so they wouldn’t feel self conscious. (An ADD side note: I actually worked for Hollywood Portraits when I was 19 and going to college. I apologize now to all the women who I plastered with 13 coats of orange base and layers of green eye shadow. I’m sure Karma got me back.) Anyway, Here is the first bubbly…

Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut

December 2013 103

Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut

According to the makers, this is the most imported sparkling wine in the world.  It is a traditional Cava and rests in the bottle for up to 18 months–inside a cave! The first thing I noticed is that the bottle is beautiful. It makes it look much more expensive than it is. The Barefoot Bubbly just looked cheap, but these guys have really gone out of their way to dress up their product. Nobody would have to use any of my Cheap Disguise ideas if they decide to take this to a party. Now, this is how the Freixenet folks describe this bubbly…

“Cordon Negro Brut is crisp, clean and well balanced. It is medium-bodied with a palate of apple, pear and bright citrus flavors with a moderately long finish and a crisp touch of ginger. It goes great with any type of food.”

Now, let’s see what our panel of cheap ladies had to say:

Trashy 14Moxie Mimosa:

Freixinet brut (hard to spell at 6am). The bottle is very classy looking for the price. I test-tasted it with my parking lot friends and they all agreed it was not very tasty by itself, but later was great in Mimosas. It did make a lot of bubbles, which is good in a champagne and helped it mix with the orange juice in our travel mugs! 3 Press-on Nails

trashy 5Sassy Bubbles:

As you know, this week I tried multiple places to buy the Jaume Sierra Cristalino & it isn’t available.  Since AR is still behind the times, I bought the Freixenet. I’m not sure if it’s because I’d already had a few beers when I popped the champagne cork, or if it was really that good, but after the first champagne flute, I drank it straight from the bottle (keeping it cheap here in the Natural State)! I give it 3.5 press on nails! It wasn’t pretty in pink, but it was beautifully bubbly. It had a crisp, clean taste- I enjoyed it so much I finished the entire bottle!

Trashy 22Asti BoomBoom:

I was a bit nervous about what sort of beverage I might have to drink this week, since last week’s assignment looked like what I imagine Barbie urine looks like.  I heaved a sigh of relief when I saw that I got to sample some Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut. This has to be one of my favorite inexpensive Champagnes and it has been my go-to sparkly party beverage for years. The Lords of Cheap Champagne must have been smiling down on me. I happily trotted off to Wal-Mart to throw a bottle in my cart.  It was a busy week here at my house, with lots to celebrate. Finally on Friday, I had a quiet moment where I could pop that bad boy open!I poured the bubbly into a large pilsner glass because I couldn’t be bothered to go digging out a proper champagne flute. Close enough, right?  My glass erupted with bubbles like my kids’ science experiment gone right.  The bubbles settled and a lovely pale golden color was revealed. I sniffed and the scent was light and crisp – not perfumed or floral.  I took a sip – Aaaah. Not to sweet, not too dry, not too bubbly. It goes down a little too easy, and before  you know it, the bottle is light and so am I. And what do you know, a knock at the door and my friend shows up with a huge trophy shaped like a giant rooster that she won at her job. Sounds like a good reason for a toast to me. We pass around the bottle one more time with the perfect drink to toast over a giant plumed and bedazzled cock, uh I mean rooster. 4 Press-on Nails!

Trashy 20Chardonnay-nay Jones:

Drinking the first glass you feel like “I’m the shit” because it tastes like the real deal. But after a couple more glasses the dryness starts to get to you and you have the horrible realization that maybe you just aren’t as classy as you thought you were. If you’re only going to have one glass (and who the hell does that?) then this is worth a solid 4 Press on Nails, but if you want to drink the whole bottle like a proper cheap woman does, then this gets 2 Press-on Nails.

Trashy GodivaGranny Hooch:

I know a gimmick when I see it; I invented it – dancin’ around a horse with  nothin’ but feathers between me and the droolers – you git the idea. I didn’t think much of this bottle as I pried out that chubby cork. Kept shaking my head thinkin’ this black bottle ain’t nothin’ more than a giant feather fan. There ain’t nothin’ sexy about a feather fan unless the chicken holdin’ the feathers is sassy enough to strut and squawk at the same time. Let me tell you, this champagne can make me sing all night long. I glued five press-on nails, but that pinkie one broke when I twirled my old feather fan, so Freixie just gets four and half.

Trashy 19Monet Chandon:

The bottle: Friexnet Brut The time: 5pm The activity: making dinner.  I cracked open this bottle as I settled down to make dinner and I have to say it did an excellent job of keeping me company! The dry fizzy bubbles were the perfect accompaniment as I fried burgers in a pan! By the time we sat down to dinner I didn’t mind that the burgers were a bit charred! 🙂 4 Press-on Nails.

The Verdict: The average score of this bubbly came to around 3.6 Press-on Nails. That ain’t too bad. If you like dry, consider Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut for your next bottle of cheap sparkles.

* *Ok, here’s an inappropriate but true story surrounding this last bubbly. Most of the women on this panel live in the South. If you live there or have visited there, you understand. If not, I’ll educate you. We speak different and the education system occasionally stills leaves children behind. In fact, a lot of them just jump right off that bus and run away. I got a text from a participant asking in a tongue in cheek manner about the political incorrectness of the name. This is how that text string continued:

Me: “Well, the “e” (in Negro) is short instead of long. That makes it Spanish instead of White Cracker.”

Her: “That’s not how the expert at (blank) liquor store pronounced it!”

And welcome to the South, people. I’d love to hear how he pronounced the Freixenet part. Frex-e-net?

Domaine St. Michelle Brut

This sparkling wine is produced in the good ol’ US of A. The grapes are grown in Washington state. The company uses the traditional (Champenoise) method to produce this bubbly but have the integrity to not label it as champagne since it comes from the pacific northwest (I may be cheap but I admire folks who respect tradition). They rank their Brut as middle of the road–not too sweet and not too dry. Let’s see what our girls had to say.

Domaine St. Michelle

Domaine St. Michelle

Champagne dancerLil’ Brut:

My first glass of Domaine St. Michelle Brut was so yummy, that it was with an unwilling heart that I offered a fellow wife, at a football watching party, a glass of it from my bottle. Luckily, she declined. My second glass tasted even better; cold and crisp, it did not coat my tongue in sugar as the last champagne we judged had. So, with an even more unwilling heart, I offered a glass to another woman at the party. Were my feelings hurt when she declined as well? No. But I did not want the champagne to feel bad, so I finished off the bottle. I may have no idea who won the football game, but I believe I have found a new “go to” champagne, and so I bestow upon this bottle 4.5 press on nails. The only reason I did not give it 5 press on nails (AKA-a panty dropper), is because my panties did not fall off…that I remember.

champagne blk n whtJezebelle Noir:

My assigned champagne this week was Domaine Ste. Michelle Brut. I heard that it was one of the ‘best of the cheapest champagnes’, so I was anxious to give it a taste. Well, ok a guzzle… Ok, I drank the whole bottle. Ehem…by myself. After my first sip I remember thinking, “Whoa, ok… so that’s why they call it ‘dry’.” It literally made my tongue stick to the top of my mouth and my cheeks suck in! It was very, very bubbly. The first few sips had a strong and tart aftertaste, but I didn’t mind. Before I knew it I was on my third glass and trying not to slur my words or run into any walls! I would like to score this champagne 4 press on nails.

champagne purple dressTipsy Tiffanie:

The Domaine St. Michelle was better than the Barefoot Pink Bubbly. We cracked it open and shared it with our 18 year old college freshman who had just finished finals and is home for Christmas with a friend. They thoroughly enjoyed it but that isn’t saying much for two kids who will drink Mad Dog, Boone’s Farm and Milwaulkee’s Best on a regular basis! I give it 3.5 press on nails. The boys would have given it a 5!

The Verdict: The average score for Domaine St. Michelle came to 4 Press-on Nails! If this bubbly was a cheap woman she’d be the prettiest damn girl at the tractor pull. If you want a dry sparkling wine, with a fun label that was made in the states, give it a go.

Juame Serra Cristalino

Juame Serra Cristalino

Juame Serra Cristalino

This little sparkler has got a bit of an infamous reputation. You see, the Cristal people didn’t like them naming this cava Cristalino. They got their French panties all twisted up, sued them and won!! Now the Juame folks have to put a disclaimer right on their front label that declares them to not be affiliated with the Cristal folks in any form or fashion. Since this little bubbly has seen the inside of a courtroom, it must be naughty–I like naughty.

But this cava has another little sticker on it too. That one says “Value Brand of the Year–3 Consecutive years–Wine & Spirits Magazine.” That’s not too shabby. Cristal may have all the rappers, ballers, young hollywood and reality stars with too much money for their void of all talents, but Cristal has….well, it has us… and…hmm…Well, I’m sure Lindsey Lohan tried to snort it off some DJ’s lap at some point. Anyway, we decided to offer this little trouble maker up to our panel of cheap women. There was just one little problem, two of the women in this group live in a state that doesn’t import from this company. That just made this little number even more of a bad boy, but it didn’t change the fact that we didn’t have a full panel. To make things worse–we were all covered in an ice storm. As much as I tried to make my dog pull me around the neighborhood to find a substitute, she wouldn’t do it (shitty excuse for a husky mix). So, I did what I had to do. I made the hubby stand in. I know. I’m ashamed. He isn’t cheap or a woman, but I had to work with what I had. Anyway, on with the review.

Trashy GodivaGranny Hooch:

Jaume is the kind of beverage that can get my twinkie twirlin’ again. It fizzed up real nice like and didn’t get all high and mighty when I used that ice cube to give it a chill in my glass. Now I tried it all proper-like chilled too. I tossed the bottle into the fridge to get the whole kit and caboodle cool while I sipped on my first glass. Jaume was good to me and didn’t get all gross and syrupy, makin’ me need to take a chaw to git rid of the taste. That blasted thumb nail wouldn’t stay on so Jaume gets four of ‘em.

Trashy 16Sparkle Spumante:

The bubbles!! There were so many they made me tingle in a good way. The first sip did make my mouth feel like I’d been licking a sponge and it sucked all the moisture out of my mouth. It was tart and tangy and after the first glass, I didn’t care so much about my particle board tongue. It could easily disguise itself as something more expensive. I hate to admit it but I wouldn’t have minded a tiny bit of sweetness. Nothing too much- just a little sweet to its sass. I’m sure if I’d managed to drink the entire thing my panties would have come off. Wait! I don’t wear panties. I’m giving this Spanish bubbly 3.5 Press-on Nails.

TRashy gigoloDom Bigolo (emergency male participant):

It’s dry. (After requesting some elaboration several days later) No panties were dropped, I can tell you that much. 3 of those nail things.

The Verdict: This naughty little bubbly came in with 3.5 Press-on Nails. I paid $6.99 a bottle while it was on special, making it a great choice if you’re needing to serve a bunch of folks at say a family party for the next time uncle Jess gets out of jail. It also makes great mimosas, so give Juame Serra Cristalino a try.

And that’s it for this week, friends. I hope you have your holiday shopping done, if not, you’ll probably run into me. Please ignore the smell of liquor and my twitching eye (and give me at least 10 feet of personal space). And one final word, raise a glass of cheap bubbly in the name of Chardonnay-nay Jones–it be her birthday today! Cheers!

And just in case there’s a lady out there who doesn’t think Karma has given me enough punishment for poking her in the eye with blue mascara, here is an early ’90’s Hollywood Portrait of yours truly.

A totally convincing biker bitch ready to shank you with a purple eyeliner pencil.

A totally convincing biker bitch ready to shank you with a purple eyeliner pencil.

Cheap Disguises for Cheap Champagne

Shit fire–you just got invited to a fancy holiday party! They didn’t want to invite you (you’re way less classy than they are); in fact, they’d rather invite the shoe shine guy at the country club than you. But you donated a kidney to help save their Tibetan Schnauzerdoodle and now they feel all obligated. But what to do?! What to bring?! You’re cheap and can’t afford no fancy hostess gift unless it’s actually made by Hostess and they screwed that plan all up for you. Bubbly makes a great gift, but if you buy that French stuff you’ll miss making your last Christmas layaway payment at K-Mart and then you’ll have to hear for another 11 months how mom screwed up Christmas again.

Well, never fear, we got you covered. If there’s one thing cheap women know, it’s how to put lipstick on a pig. Cheap women are the masters of sparkling things up. All our lives we’ve had to make the best with what we got and if we ain’t got much–well, there’s nothing an extra coat of base and some lycra can’t fix. And today we’re going to use those talents to help you class-up that cheap ass bottle of bubbly you plan on taking to the party. By the time we’re finished, those folks will forget who you really are and just figure you’re their kids’ orthodontist or something.

The Incognito Mojito

Ok, we’re not dealing with mojitos but it rhymed a lot better than sparkling wine. Anyway, you’ve got your bottle and you’re ready to disguise it to look like something fancy and expensive. Now, the theme is cheap so we’re not talking about any high-priced plastic surgery or talk show makeovers. Nope, this is more like what you’d get if you were going into the Venezuela witness protection program.

The Sad Sack

Don’t underestimate what a paper bag and a marker can do. In just a quick minute you can make your bottle look like it just came out of a fine package store. Throw a pack of menthols in for some added pizzazz.

French Champagne--WE We!

French Champagne–We We!

Ok, so French stuff isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re still ordering “Freedom Fries” at Burger King or you got bit by a poodle. Well, here is an easy and just as effective alternative…

Who would argue when it says it right there on the label?

Who would argue when it says it right there on the label?

Ok, these two options just didn’t scream “classy” for you. Well, with a little extra effort you could do one of the following…

The Fancy-Smancy

Is that the ghost of Liberace? No, it's just expensive champagne.

Is that the ghost of Liberace? No, it’s just expensive champagne.

Yank the feather boa off your Tinkerbell or whatever slutty fairytale character you went as for Halloween and slap it on the bottle. They’ll be so busy picking feathers out of their glasses they won’t even look at the label. But if you’re allergic to feathers, you could try this…

Blind them with bling!

Blind them with bling!

Grab all the rhinestones you can find in your jewelry box and throw it on there. Bitches like bling and will be so distracted by all the sparkle that they won’t even notice that a Keisha or Sherri has snuck in among the Kendals, Laurens and Blaires.

But that’s just way too girly for you and too much trouble? Well, there’s nothing like understated simplicity to say…

The Hippster has Arrived

I'm too hip for my bubbles.

I’m too hip for my bubbles.

If some vintage ’80’s shades won’t convince them this bottle is the stuff of caviar dreams then it’s time to use the good ol’ standby–sex. Yep, when in doubt–sex it up. T and A will distract anyone from anything. Put liquor and sex together and you have a winner.

Wine Porn

Dude, I think her bubbles are fake.

Dude, I think her bubbles are fake.

A couple of christmas balls make for great cleavage. And who wouldn’t want gold boobs in their face? All night this bottle will be saying, “Hey, buddy–my cork’s up here.”

Not convinced that boobs bought at Hobby Lobby will do the trick? Let’s take it up a notch…

Where's a pole when you need one?

Where’s a pole when you need one?

Instead of hiding the cheap just flaunt it. Slip a pair of fishnets (washed if possible) over the bottle and then add a hair elastic and some ones. People will just think you brought the entertainment.

Still not finding the vibe you’re going for? Maybe you’re wanting to show them you can party like a reality show celebrity. They all drink Armand de Brignac–Ace of Spades. There’s no way you can plop down the equivalent of a Hyundai payment just to impress some folks, but that’s the kind of front you want. Well, grab some aluminum foil and some playing cards and you’ll be a baller just like Kim K and What’s-His-Face.

Baller Bubbles

Ace of Spades--bitches!

Ace of Spades–bitches!

Now that you have all the tips and tricks you need to slip some cheap ass bubbly into a swanky soiree, get out there and party! Keep on keepin’ it cheap, y’all!

Holy shit! Is that Rihanna?

Holy shit! Is that Rihanna?