Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum…


This graphic was plundered from the folks at LiquorList.com (it's like a porn site for drunkards)!

This graphic was plundered from the folks at LiquorList.com (it’s like a porn site for drunkards)!

I love me some rum. It’s just a happy drink that makes me think of white sands, blue waters and pirates (movie pirates, not the authentic scurvy and scabies ridden ones). I’ll drink it any time of year, but it’s summer and that means it’s a necessity. No summer is complete without some frothy goodness infused with either a spicy or coconutty (it’s my blog so I can make words up) rum. In the right amount, I merely refrain from making children walk the plank; too much, and I may end up browsing for cursing parrots on Craigslist. Either way, it makes life interesting while tasting good.

This love of rum sent me to Pinterest (that evil mind control place taking over women one fake wedding at a time) and looking up rum recipes. I collected 6 of them that sounded like something I’d enjoy and that possibly you would, too. So if you have an inner pirate dying to be set loose on unsuspecting family and neighbors–keep on reading!!

Rum (1)

Mmmm… Sorry!! I Got lost staring at that picture (that I totally made at Canva) and drooled on my keyboard. Let’s get down to business and start off with those nummy looking popsicles up there. I snagged that recipe and photo off of Endless Simmer. They’re called Dirty Pirate Popsicles. They had me and dirty…and pirate…and rum. There are only 3 ingredients which makes this lazy wench happy: Coke, Captain Morgan and Kahlua. If you want to check out the exact recipe click HERE.

What a beautiful picture of Dirty Pirate Popsicles from Endless Simmer.

What a beautiful picture of Dirty Pirate Popsicles from Endless Simmer.

Our next stop is at the Island of “A House in the Hills” for a recipe for a lovely Lemon Shandy with Dark Rum Float. There are only 5 little ingredients needed for this fancy little drink. It calls for hefeweizen beer and dark rum for the kick. I think I’ll be giving it a try if for no other reason than the fact that the blogger took such amazing photos of this drink. Go check her out and look for other goodies. (Besides, I have UC and she has Crohn’s, and us intestinally challenged chicks gotta stick together.)

A lemon shandy with a dark rum float by Sarah over at A House in the Hills.

A lemon shandy with a dark rum float by Sarah over at A House in the Hills.

Now, that we’ve got a dose of sunshine prettiness, let’s dock this vessel over at a darker port. Hold onto your bootie ’cause things look a little shady over here at CompleteRecipes.com where they’re serving up a recipe for Bonefish Grills’s Blackberry Rum Runner. Who can resist that deep purple color?!? Not this pirate. Now, this is more on the fancy-smancy side as it requires 7 ingredients and get’s a little too specific for my taste. I mean, will the drink explode if you use 4 instead of 3 blackberries? (I hope so. That would be some cool shit!) This is one I think I’m going to give a try and possibly make some adjustments, starting with a little Jolly Roger flag sticking out of it.

Bonefish Grill's Blackberry Rum Runner

Bonefish Grill’s Blackberry Rum Runner

All aboard The Drunken Wench so we can steer her down south where pirates must have had their way with some southern dubutantes and produced this drink. The lovely blog Threebeansonastring.com invented this lovely cocktail called a Georgia Meets Bermuda and described as peach sweet tea and rum. They’re even kind enough to instruct you on how to make proper sweet tea so all the Yankees out there can enjoy this drink, too. There are only 4 ingredients, so this sounds like a go for me.

Georgia Meets Bermuda: peaches, sweet tea and rum!

Georgia Meets Bermuda: peaches, sweet tea and rum!

Let’s finish off with something sweet. Who can possibly resist something called “Boozy Brownies?” Not this sea wench. Head over to have a visit with Sasha Rumage at Tattooed Martha (how can we have a pirate theme without some tattoos?). She has made a batch of yumminess called Boozy Brownies with salted caramel rum sauce. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a minute to let that all soak in. Seriously, take your time. Go to another room if you need to. Back? All good? Ok, on with details. This is the most complicated of all the recipes but good things come to those who have the patience and time. Even if it just looks like too much work for you, take some time to look around at the blog. Look at those bad ass photos. Look at the Sailor Jerry rum! Yes, I keep large bottles of this in our cabinet.

Boozy Brownies with salted caramel RUM sauce from Tattoed Martha.

Boozy Brownies with salted caramel RUM sauce from Tattooed Martha.

Our final stop on this rummy booze cruise will be in Turks and Caicos. I had to post this because I’ve been dropping hints begging for the hubby to take me there. I’m even wearing Turquoise and Caicos nail polish by Essie, for God’s sake. Anyhow, I saw this rum punch recipe on the ultra lovely blog Sugar and Charm. Head on over there and check out this recipe for the Turks and Caicos Rum Punch and all the other stuff they have going on. There are only 5 ingredients, so you can’t go wrong.

Now, off with you scurvy dogs and scallywags! Take these inspirations and plan how you’ll be intaking your rum this weekend. Arrgghhhhh……


One-Boobed Sally (my pirate name)

An “I-Only-Cook-So-The-Goverment-Won’t-Take-My-Kids” Recipe

I know it’s been awhile so I thought I’d dip my toes back into the blogging pond. But since my time is stretched tighter than Christina Aguilera’s bra, this will be brief.

My blog is humor-based and trust me that there is nothing funnier than me offering cooking advice, but that’s what I’m doing. I’m posting a recipe that even I can do (or a one-armed monkey with brain damage), and it actually tastes damn good. What makes this even funnier is that the recipe was given to me by my BFF (another person who would rather have her entire body waxed than cook).

When we were college freshmen the two of us survived on a barter system that consisted of her ironing our clothes and me making our sandwiches. When we didn’t have bread and cheese, we survived on the Phillips 66 buffet that consisted of beef jerky, Pringles, and whatever fountain drink we could mix our liquor into (that came to a stop when my father got the Phillips gas card bill and took it away).

Seriously!! This is all you need to make some kick-ass gravy.

Anywho…because I have never been able to duplicate my grandmother’s amazing pot roast, here is my version. Ready? You won’t believe this is going to work, but here it goes… One packet of Lipton Onion soup mix, one can of cream of mushroom soup, one roast, carrots, potatoes, and what ever you want (celery, onion, mushrooms, catnip- whatever!)

First, get your crock pot out and dust it off. Pour the can of soup inside, dump the packet of magic Onion Soup mix on top of the blob of soup, and stir that stuff up with a fork, spoon, Barbie doll leg- whatever is handy.

Now, you will look at this unattractive mixture and think, “There’s no freakin’ way this is going to work. It’s going to burn and catch my house on fire and I’ll still end up buying the kids Sonic just like I was going to do before I started all this ‘crazy’ cookin’ stuff.” Don’t fret. I promise that it will work!!!

Next, set the roast of your chews-ing (ok, that was lame) on top of the beige blob. I usually pick out a separate roast and all of the extras but then my husband brought home a sealed package of easiness and it worked just as well without having to cut onions or celery. It may have cost a buck more and didn’t come with all of the left over veggies, but it worked great and saved me a half hour in shopping and prep (that counts big time in my world).

A vacuum-sealed bag of “lazy”

Throw all of your veggies in, set the thing on low, and let it cook all day. It won’t look pretty, but it will taste damn good. The best part, it took five freakin’ minutes of actual work. Damn, I love crock pots.