Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women: Return From Rehab

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the surf of the web–we’re back! Yep. The cheap ladies are all out of rehab and ready to party (the relapse rate is rather high amongst this group). But our constant tumbling off the wagon gives you plenty of entertainment and something to point to and say to your teenage daughters, “Keep acting like you do and all you’ll have in life is a blog and failing liver.” We might be questionable mothers to our own children, but we provide  life lessons for other people’s kids.

Anyway, now that we’re back at our desks/bars, we can get on with some new reviews. And those reviews are on their way, but since some of us were a little slow to relapse this time (stupid group therapy guilt), we won’t be rolling that out until next week. Hey! Don’t run off. I still have something for you. It’s something my slightly not-right brain came up with–a flash of freakin’ genius. So keep reading and you will be dazzled by the depths of my depravity.

Cheap Woman Mission: Saving Manliness

trashy book cover 2

 

During the months of reviewing cheap bubbly here on the blog, I found my husband participating in the activities. Sometimes this was forced  on him due to some of the Cheap Women being busy with things like running phone scams and juvenile court, and other times it was just because he couldn’t resist the lure of bubbly goodness (and probably thought if he stuck around long enough my panties might accidentally fall off). One evening I happened to look up as he was taking a sip out of one of our champagne flutes and realized that there’s nothing manly or macho about drinking champagne. My hubby is a big, hairy man, but seeing him sip from that dainty little glass kind of made him go from this…

matt manly

to this…

matt champagne

See what I mean?!? He’s all ass-kickin’ manly with that gun in his hand, but switch it out for a champagne flute and BAM–sequins and unicorns! Now, maybe you want to argue that the bubble bath and that blonde chinchilla sleeping on his head play a part in the manliness depletion, but I still blame the champagne flute.

My next thought was, naturally, how can I change that? What can I do to make drinking bubbly a little more manly? Pour it in a mug? No. Drink it straight from the bottle? No. Too probably-dated-Kim-Kardashian. A koozie? Wouldn’t fit the glass. Wine tag? Ding-Ding-Ding!! I had a winner. What if I made manly wine tags? The dirty little gears in my brain started turning. I thought of ideas like little camo bands or tags with things like tiny cars, guns, mufflers, golf clubs and fishing lures. But that’s too boring.

So I let the idea simmer on the back burners for awhile and went about my business. And that’s when it happened. I was driving down the road when one of the millions of pickup trucks in Texas drove past me–and there it was. Swinging below the hitch was a giant set of peachy-colored Truck Nutz. What are Truck Nutz? They are a set of giant plastic testicles you can attach to your vehicle so the world knows that you’re just insecure enough about your manliness that you have to prove that you are a grade A-deer-hunting-butt-scratching-boob-ogling-American man. And what would be perfect for a man who doesn’t feel like he’s representing his Y chromosome to the fullest?  Why that would be a set of miniature balls hanging on his glass. And with that, ladies and gents, I give you…

 

CUP NUTS!!!

cup nuts normal

Nothing else declares you a man like a set of nads secured to a stem. A dude can strut through any baby shower or wedding he’s forced to attend with macho confidence as he sips from a flute adorned with Cup Nuts. And don’t worry, I’ve come up with nuts to match the men who use them.

cup nuts closeup

 For the run-of-the-mill white to slightly beige dudes.

cup nuts red

For the gingers out there who don’t wear anything under their kilts when they’re throwing poles around.

cup nuts grey

For the older gentlemen or maybe Gandalf.

cup nuts colored

For the men “of color.”

cup nuts colored 3

For the men “of color” who inspired the legends.

cup nuts blue

For the frustrated man who’s not getting any action.

cup nuts crab

For the avid fisherman, sailor, or the guy who just really needs to visit the clinic (probably the sailor).

cup nuts fabulous

And, finally, for the guy who’s just fabulous and proud. Or maybe the guy who man-scapes a little too much and decided to try out vajazzling for himself (if your man did this, please strongly encourage him to accept his fabulous nature and to move out of your closet).

And that’s it! What do you think? Genius, right?!? I think they’re so awesome that I might even use them for when I’m feeling a little butch. If you think your man is in need of some Cup Nuts before that next fundraiser brunch you drag him to, let me know.

Think about just how manly they would look if they'd been using Cup Nuts.

Think about just how manly they’d look if they’d been using Cup Nuts.

 

**Seriously. Cup Nuts, Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women, and all the other stuff you find on my blog is the creation of my warped little mind. Copyrights and all that jazz applies. In fact, a trademark is in the pipes.

Halloween-aholic

Hi. My name is Ash and I’m a Halloween-aholic. I’ve been clean for ZERO days. There is really no hope for me. If I did earn a little token, I would only turn it into some type of decoration for the holiday. I also enable others with the same addiction. If you want to get on a wagon, make it mine. It will ride down haunted trails. I have a second blog Called WckedWords. I’ve been posting a Hallo-Wicked-Ween series. I thought some of you might like to enjoy the inspirations I’ve been gathering for the best holiday EVER. Go ahead, take a look. I know you want to.

So here are links to some of the blogs I’ve written so far on my very favorite holiday. Check them out for some inspiration.

8

Who doesn’t love a freakin’ candy apple. Go check out the ones that made my list of 8 Creative Candy Apples.

20 (1)

Maybe apples are too tame for you. Here’s some make-up designs to freak you the hell out.

Halloween Bling (1)

If you like shiny things (and who the freak doesn’t?) go read Halloween Bling for Fancy Bitches Witches.

Laugh

And for some chuckles give 15 Kids Who Won Halloween a spin.

Snake-themed (1)

For some reptilian love read about how to add some snakes to your Halloween theme.

WEEKLY (1)

Do you love to bake or you’re thinking of a black and white theme? Here you go. And you’re welcome.

WEEKLY

And, finally, here are some amazing Halloween hats for you to salivate over.

See, I’ve actually been blogging, it’s just been on my other blog. There’s lots of stuff over there other than Halloween. Feel free to check it out. If not, stick around here. School starts Monday and that means it’s also the opening of drinking season. Ok, the opening of Fall drinking season as summer season closes this Sunday. Mommy’s Little Helper will be back as well as those crazy ladies of Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women.

See you soon!!

Cheap Champagne-palooza (part 2)

champagne banner

Ok, I know it’s well past New Year’s Eve, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop drinking bubbly. My intention was to get this out before the year changed, but we ended up in a bar with a bunch of crazy guys from Holland–I got distracted (and possibly a little tipsy playing the alligator game). Anyway, part one of this post covered prosecco and this installment is covering the cheapest of the cheap. My directions to the panel of Cheap Women was pretty much along the lines of “go find the cheapest shit you can and drink it”. So, let’s see what the bravest of the ladies picked and what they had to say about them.

Baby New Year knows how to start the year off.

Baby New Year knows how to start the year off.

Lil' Brut

Lil’ Brut

I chose to review Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée over the other options, thinking I might get a better “champagne”. Nope. The “crisp apple flavor” the label mentioned, tasted mainly bitter and somewhat sour, not exactly what I would call “crisp”. It was as if I were drinking a diet coke. I hate diet coke. I do, however, like Brut “champagne”, but this Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée, did not measure up. The Big Brute took one sip, compared it to Sprite, and then poured out the remainder of the glass. I hate Sprite. We went out to meet friends later that night for a New Years Eve celebration, and when the free champagne was passed around, I passed on having a glass (actually plastic cup). The Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée, put me off having a second sip of “champagne” for the night. I toasted the New Year with Modelo Especial and a long kiss from the Big Brute, instead. I give this 1 press on nail.

Jezebelle Noir

Jezebelle Noir

Barefoot Bubbly Cuvée. I like the name. It just sounds fancy… Without the fancy price! I bought this bottle of champagne after a long day of Christmas shopping with my three kids. Let’s just say I was already trying to pry open the bottle with my teeth in the car on my way home! But don’t worry–I didn’t. I don’t drink and drive with the kids in the car. Anyway, I made it home and popped that sucker open lickity split. I waited for the bubbles to settle after erupting from the bottle, then I took a swig. Sppppppppplahhh!!!! What the? It wasn’t even swallowable! It was bitter and dry and just flat-out nasty! Tasted like monkey vomit! Or how I would imagine monkey vomit would taste like. Rating: 1 press-on nail.

Fab photo courtesy of Kittie Tattinger.

Fab photo courtesy of Kittie Tattinger.

Kittie Tattinger

Kittie Tattinger

Cook’s Brut Grand Reserve Rocks! I was shocked, so was my dh! I really thought it would suck so I prepared myself with putting happiness around me. 1st- had it for breakfast on NYE. 2nd- pulled up London’s 2012 to 13 NYE fireworks on YouTube. 3rd- used a mustard jar from Paris. I’m missing Europe and really want champagne…. First taste? nice! Second? nice! Rest of the glass? Yum…gone! Dry but not too dry. No funky aftertaste. The rest of the bottle went down quick and wished I had bought more.

4.5 press on nails. (-.5 as no height on the cork). Would buy again and hide the label. Great cheap plonk for a boozy bird!!!

Sassy Bubbles

Sassy Bubbles

Cook’s Brut Grand Reserve. This was kinda decent for the price, & if I were a teenager again I’d have totally traded in my Purple Passion! I tried, but I just couldn’t talk myself into loving it. Not sure how it got its name, cuz nothing about it shouted grand or reserve! I tried it alone first & couldn’t drink it by itself – I ended up enjoying it as a mustache mimosa! Every cheap    Champagne/sparkling wine girl needs a mustache wine glass!  2.2 press on nails

Tipsy Tiffanie

Tipsy Tiffanie

In an effort to do something for my fellow man before the end of 2013, I dove head first into the world of cheap champagne last night.  By cheap- I mean Cook’s Extra Brut….$7.95.  My hopes were not high, but armed with my best friend and Dirty Dancing on tv who could go wrong?  I’m not one for fancy stemware all the time, but we figured this might be an occasion for champagne glasses.  The first glass was brutal, but being true alcoholics, we choked it down and persevered and poured another glass.  We unanimously decided it tasted a lot like sparkling apple cider.  You know- the kind in the Welch’s bottle in the juice aisle at your local Wal-Mart?  By the time we got to the end of the bottle, we were wishing Patrick Swayze was standing in the living room threatening anyone who puts baby in the corner! All said and done- I’d give it 1.5 Press on Nails.  Would I drink it again….in a pinch….HELL YES!

Moxie Mimosa

Moxie Mimosa

Cook’s Extra Dry: The Book Club ladies and I met Saturday morning for our Christmas party, and to taste test our champagne. While our omelettes in a bag cooked (recipe posted further down), we tried our bubbly. I do believe this is the first time we ever drank Cook’s naked – meaning without it being in orange juice first. Who knew it tasted like old socks? Dirty, old socks! Hold your nose, and keep drinking until the timer goes off and your omelets are done. Now, reward yourself by putting some orange juice in your dirty sick champagne!  If give Cook’s 1 press on nail by itself, and 2 1/2 in a mimosa. But, I give the ziplock bag omelets 4 press on nails!

Venus DeRiesling

Venus DeRiesling

To quote my best friend about our libations this fine evening: “they were both crapass!” I dug deep bc i had to play catchup and drink 2 champagnes: Cupcake Prosecco and Cook’s Extra Dry. After a trip to Walmart, a bowl of hearty homemade chili, and Memphis fudge pie, me, my bff and Dallas bestie set out to do our Hussie duty, Now my bff is visiting from Memphis and was pretty excited @ Prosecco bc she just loves Prosecco…. Well, not this one. To quote my other girlfriend tonight, “it tastes like alcoholic tonic water” and made us wish we were back in our crazy, broke, college days sucking down Boones Farm! Speaking of stuff we sucked down in our glory days gone by… Cooks was a step up in that we didn’t have to pour the entire can of peach nectar into our glasses to stomach this swill.  Our assessment: Prosecco rates 1 press on nail,  and said nail fell off and cracked in half. I should’ve used super glue to hold it on and it probably would’ve tasted better than that Prosecco.  Cooks rates 1 press on nail that stayed glued!

Sparkle Spumante

Sparkle Spumante

yellow tail sparkling white wine. I should have known to stay away from anything that’s name gave me a mental image of a fluffy dog’s pee stained ass (I know- but once you’ve had to scrub dysentery off a mean Pomeranian’s ass, the image never leaves you). Usually you do the walk of shame the morning after drinking; I did the walk of shame buying this one. I should have worn a disguise because my little wine guy looked at me with a very disappointed expression. This stuff comes from Australia. I like Australia and have had massive fun with Australian friends. This stuff they should keep down under–way under. Pour it around your tents to keep dingoes from stealing babies. I couldn’t make it through half a glass, but it did make great mimosas the next day. Save this for that purpose or to take your nail polish off with. 1 dingo-chewed press-on nail by itself but makes a 3 press-on nail mimosa.

Dom Bigolo

Dom Bigolo

yellow tail sparkling white wine: Took a sip. Looked concerned. Left room and came back with scotch. No nails for you.

Chardonnay-nay Jones

Chardonnay-nay Jones

yellow tail sparkling rose wine: It looks so pretty and pink in the glass with all it’s bubbles, it makes you feel a little sexy like when Matthew McConaughey suddenly swaggers into your dream. You start feeling all flirty and girly and the bubbles make you tingly, then you take that first sip and–Oh, My God!! Suddenly it’s Dallas Buyers Club Matthew–naked!! No matter what, you can’t get that image out of your brain or taste out of your mouth…unless you keep drinking. Eventually your tongue doesn’t care, you finish the bottle and go on to have dreams about Todd Bridges (Willis) taking you to the circus. 1.5 press-on nails.

The Lesson: Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid

Ok, usually I blow your mind with some trivia so you can show off at your next “Cousin So-in-so got out of jail” party, but not this time. I just didn’t feel like doing the research, so the ladies came to the rescue. Thee girls happened to send little extras in with their reviews, so I thought I’d include them here as useful tips. First a health tip from Lil’ Brut.

The more blueberries you shove in to your champagne glass, the more nutritious your "champagne" becomes. (backdrop courtesy of my daughter's princess petal dress).

The more blueberries you shove in to your champagne glass, the more nutritious your “champagne” becomes. (backdrop courtesy of my daughter’s princess petal dress).

Who knew that being healthier could be so easy. In fact, Moxie Mimosa supplied us with a healthy recipe that uses plastic bags and boiling water–cheap woman version of Julia Child!

Here is the recipe for an omelet in a bag wine tasting brunch:  Write your name on a ziplock bag, put your preferred omelet ingredients (already set out in bowls by your hostess) in the bag, then add 2 eggs and zip the bag. Smash it all up together and throw all the bags in a big pot of boiling water. Set the timer for 13 minutes and open your champagne. Open the bag with your name on it, and pour your perfectly prepared omelet onto your plate. Kids and old people will love ’em!

Now, that’s my kind of recipe. Sassy Bubbles didn’t send a recipe but she did send a nice photo of an accessory that makes any cheap bubbly or mimosa even more fun to drink.

Mustache glass!!

Mustache glass!!

All the cheap women of the blog hope your 2014 has started off great. We’ll be back soon with some recipes to help make the most of cheapest, nastiest bubblies out there.

New Year’s Eve Cheap Champagne-palooza (part one)

New Years is comin', y'all! Get your sparkle on, cheap ladies.

New Years is comin’, y’all! Get your sparkle on, cheap ladies.

The blog may have taken a week off for the holidays but the cheap ladies did not. They kept on drinking, staying true to their commitment to help out the cause and to stay drunk enough that no relatives were shanked or drowned in a punch bowl of nog. Christmas week I assigned the girls three bottles of prosecco and this week I was very loose with my instructions but insisted that what they tried had to be cheap–rollin’-pennies-for-smokes-cheap. But I’m gonna stretch this out Hollywood style and break this into 2 parts when really one would do. On with the show.

The Lesson: Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid

Prosecco? For some this may leave you with a blank face just like cava did, but I can clear it up real quick. Prosecco is simply Italian sparkling wine. Cava is spanish this is Italian. I personally love me some Italy so I was excited about this assignment. If they sold blow-up gondolas at the WalMart, I would have bought one and stuck it in the bathtub with me while I drank (probably not safe, so don’t do it and then sue me because your stupid ass drowned). Outside of where it’s produced, another main difference between prosecco and champagne is that the latter is typically produced using the Charmat method, meaning the secondary fermentation takes place in large, stainless steel tanks instead of the bottle. This helps to keep the price down but the DOCG does allow for use of the classic method as well.

DOCG? No, it’s not a new rap group made up of Snoop Dog and Kenny G’s children, it’s an agency of the Italian government. Remember that the Italians and the French are sticklers for authenticity and tradition, so the DOCG (Denominazione di Origine Controllata e Garantita=controlled designation of origin guaranteed) is the FDA, ATF, Secret Service, FBI, Big Brother, etc… They make sure stuff is what it says it is and writes a bunch of rules to keep those Italians from slipping fakes past us by distracting us with their sexiness. Inspector 12 makes sure the tighty-whiteys are the real deal here in the US while Giancarlo makes sure your prosecco is labeled correctly with Brut or Extra Dry. Another variant with prosecco is that it comes in either spumante (fully sparkling) or as frizzante (lightly sparkling). Spumante is the more expensive of the two.

Inspector !2 working hard for the US.

Inspector !2 working hard for the US.

The DOCG working hard for Italy.

The DOCG working hard for Italy.

The Line-up:

the italian suspects

LaMarca Prosecco

Well, according to their website this Italian sparkler is supposed to be the bomb. It claims to be named one of the top 100 wines and has been featured in several magazines. Let’s see if our cheap women think it stands up to the hype.

Moxie Mimosa

Moxie Mimosa

So, this morning we tested LaMarca Prosecco. Pretty bottle, kind of Tiffany blue with a silver crown and silver foil on the cork. Today was Chinella Tequila’s birthday (her witness protection name), and she’s been depressed ever since she lost her toes, so I thought a bottle of bubbly in its own jewelry box would be just the thing to cheer her up. Sadly, the LaMarca was a lot like some men I dated in my younger days–all show and no go. It had a nice satisfying “Pop” and sigh when opened, and the first taste was really nice, but it had a kind of lingering aftertaste, and lost its bubbliness quickly after pouring. It did not taste any better in the Mimosas, and Cindy was beginning to wonder if you got a discount on your pedicure if you didn’t have toes on one foot!
I give it 2 1/2 press-on nails!

Asti BoomBoom

Asti BoomBoom

So I was given the LaMarca prosecco to try this week. I even had a fancy pants shindig to bring a bottle to.  Everyone was excited to try it, until we actually tasted it. I can’t believe I paid $13 for what essentially tasted like unsweetened ginger ale. It was bitter and very flat tasting. The color was nice, and it was fizzy, but no one was able to get through a glass. We finally got the bright idea to add some sangria which at least made it tolerable.  The $10 bottle of Friexenet I had last week was much better. Save your money and pass on this one.

I give it 1 Press-on Nail.

2 of the five ladies were unable to participate this week due to cramps and probation hearings; and one of them just got drunk and confused, but I’m printing her story for the hell of it (and because it made me laugh).

Cristal Chandelier

Cristal Chandelier

Guess what?  I found the Barefoot Bubbly’s evil twin….pink color and all!Last week I had a holiday party to attend and I may or may not have started my own pre-party before my friend to pick me up.  We then headed to Trader Joe’s to grab more beverages and I racked my brain trying to remember my assigned bubbly for the week.  I told the helpful clerk it was, “some kind of prosecco…but you guys might not have it, so just recommend something.”  And so he did.  I was already a fan of prosecco and when he mentioned it had a touch of cranberry added to it, my already fuzzy brain thought, “Score!”  I should have known I was in trouble when my friend giggled as she grabbed herself a 6-pack of winter brew.  (note to self….never take drink recommendations from a boy who looks all of 15 years old)We arrived at the party and everyone loved my sparkly pink drink…well, at least they liked the color.  We all agreed it tasted like cranberry sprite with a kick (sound familiar?) but at that point I didn’t care because it was all I had to drink and I couldn’t remember the correct rhyme for which drinks are ok to drink before others to prevent a wicked hangover.  So I drank the whole bottle–from a plastic cup.
And possibly showed my boobs at one point…after sending my husband a naughty text. So…even though I couldn’t finish the Barefoot Bubbly we reviewed the first week and I only gave it 2.5 press-on nails, I’m going to give this one 3 press-on nails because I had an awesome time at the party.  So awesome that I put my contacts in the wrong sides of their case when I got home and momentarily thought I was going blind the next morning when I went to put them back in.  Also, I seem to remember someone else in the group doing that a time or two (cough cough).  I have no clue what the name of the stuff I drank was called, but it’s some kind of pink prosecco and I think it was like $4.99 for the bottle.  Does that make me a cheap drunk?

May or may not be a photo of Cristal after drinking the Trader Joe's bubbly at her party.

May or may not be a photo of Cristal after drinking the Trader Joe’s bubbly at her party.

The verdict: Well, if LaMarca was to stand on it’s own, it would get a whopping 1.75 nails. That ain’t good. If we throw it a bone and include the mystery Trader Joe’s ranking as a little dose of Viagra, it rises to a 2.1. That still ain’t too good. Our advice looks like it’s saying “don’t take it to parking lots or fancy parties, but if you can find the Trader Joe’s shit, somebody is gonna see some boobies.”

Cupcake Prosecco:

Cupcake is an American made prosecco that uses grapes from Italy (maybe Inspector 12 moonlights for them). It uses the Charmat method we covered up there (go read it if you skipped over it–this ain’t the damn ACT). I don’t know much but the annoying little video intro on their web page made sure to tell us over and over that Cupcake was “America’s Favorite Premium Wine.” Uh…I’d like to know what they meant by premium and how they surveyed America because I don’t think any of us were asked. Let’s see if we agree with their claim.

Jezebelle Noir

Jezebelle Noir

My assigned champagne this week is Cupcake Prosecco. I have to say I was a little concerned about drinking alcohol while on pain medicine for my back. Web MD says not to. Eh, to heck with it. What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger, right? So here is my review. I thought it might be a little sweeter because of its name, “Cupcake”. Instead it was kind of fruity. Sort of peachy-ish. I also noticed that it was very bland and flat. However, that very well could be because I disguised my alcoholic beverage in a Phineas and Ferb cup full of ice. I told myself to give a proper review I should finish off my drink and poor another one in a fancy glass – no ice. It was a little  more carbonated  but still a little bland and flat. Once again, finished the bottle. If you ask me if I would purchase this champagne again… Probably not. 2 press on nails!

Lil' Brut

Lil’ Brut

Pinot Noir is my favorite wine, so as I was purchasing Cupcake Prosecco, I noticed the Cupcake Pinot Noir, and since the Big Brut was off in the woods for the weekend hunting for meat for the family, I thought I might as well try both; it’s not like I had anything else to do. Both were good. But we’re judging the Prosecco, not the Pinot Noir here. During a very late brunch with a friend – can you call it brunch when you eat at 3:00 pm? – , we popped open the bottle. It was dry but fruity. It went down so very easily and changed our conversation from how we log on to our computers when we telecommute when working from home, to Art Bell’s retirement and other strange things “west of the Rockies”.  It left me wanting more, and yes, I turned the bottle upside down in search for the last little bit towards the end of the meal. I give this 4 press on nails but not more, because I could see the fruitiness of the champagne, though not sweet, becoming a bit too fruity for me if I had more than two glasses. Maybe. Or maybe, given the opportunity, I would drink the entire bottle. We’ll never know.

Kittie Tattinger

Kittie Tattinger

I would like to start my review by stating I’m thrilled to be drinking after 3 weeks of pneumonia! I was afraid this would skew my view as everything would taste great….but it didn’t. I reviewed Cupcake Prosecco. Hmmmm, Cupcake?? Ewwww! What kind of name is that? I like big dry red wines and Brut champagne- just the thought of a cupcake in liquid form made me want to mini-gag. At first sip I was pleasantly surprised it wasn’t as sweet as I imagined (I was envisioning a fluffy white frosted cupcake, with sprinkles!) so I took another sip and then another. There really was no after taste…until it warmed up by 5 degrees. When I took my last few sips from the first glass there was a notable artificial peach after taste. Memories of fuzzy navel hangovers from college hit me like a mac truck. I’m now on my second glass and that is all I taste. Drat! I’m not going to be able to finish this on my own. Epic FAIL.   This is definitely a breakfast bub. It needs a splash of O.J. to calm down the peach flavour. Your other option would be to drink it, PDQ!  I rate this 2.5 press-on nails. The cork hit the 20 ft. ceiling to land in the dust collector- that alone awards it ½ a nail. Would I drink this in the morning if it was the only bubbly we had? Yes, out of necessity, however I would never go out and buy this for me or anyone I like very much.

Venus DeRiesling

Venus DeRiesling

To quote my best friend about our libations this fine evening: “they were both crapass!” I dug deep bc i had to play catchup and drink 2 champagnes: Cupcake Prosecco and **Cook’s Extra Dry. After a trip to Walmart, a bowl of hearty homemade chili, and Memphis fudge pie, me, my bff and Dallas bestie set out to do our Hussie duty, Now my bff is visiting from Memphis and was pretty excited @ Prosecco bc she just loves Prosecco…. Well, not this one. To quote my other girlfriend tonight, “it tastes like alcoholic tonic water” and made us wish we were back in our crazy, broke, college days sucking down Boones Farm! Speaking of stuff we sucked down in our glory days gone by… Cooks was a step up in that we didn’t have to pour the entire can of peach nectar into our glasses to stomach this swill.  Our assessment: Prosecco rates 1 press on nail,  and said nail fell off and cracked in half. I should’ve used super glue to hold it on and it probably would’ve tasted better than that Prosecco.  Cooks rates 1 press on nail that stayed glued!

The Verdict: Cupcake seemed to be all over the place on the rating scale but the average came to under 2.5 nails. That being said, you may hate it or you may love it. Test it on a friend or some bitch at the hair salon you don’t like and go from there. **We’ll be looking more closely at the Cook’s review tomorrow when we dig deep in the cheap just in time for New Year’s Eve.

Ruffino Prosecco:

Ruffino is Italian made and those Ruffino folks have been making wines since 1877, so I’m guessing they might know something about it. This prosecco is classified as Extra Dry by those DOC folks, meaning it has a little more sugar in it. Let’s see what the panel had to say.

Sassy Bubbles

Sassy Bubbles

I found this one at my new favorite place to go in Hot Springs. The guy who runs it sounds just like Larry the Cable Guy & told me he’d order anything I want & have it in a week!  I feel that I EARNED this beautiful bubbly treat this week after all the shopping & wrapping!!! I give Ruffino 3.25 press on nails. It was good, it tasted like a nice dry crisp white wine with carbonation. It got 3.25 because it has a funky aftertaste. The good thing is after you’ve consumed enough, you could care less about the aftertaste!!

Sparkle Spumante

Sparkle Spumante

Roll me in this liquid glitter and give me a pole. It was a bottle of pale, sparkly happiness with just the right amount of sweet. The only down side is that the usually-drinking-expensive-single-malt-scotch husband liked it too. He stole half my damn bottle. If I’d been carrying a knife in my bra he would have gotten shanked…or I would have just accidentally stabbed myself while trying to prove I could still do the splits (I can’t). I give this party nectar 4 extra long and trashy Press-on Nails.

Dom Bigolo

Dom Bigolo

Panties were dropped. I give it 12 nails.

** We’re not sure what kind of 12-fingered carny folk Dom dated in his past, but we’re going to assume that means a 5.

The Verdict: This one looks like a winner. If those lazy whores Granny Hooch and Chardonnay-nay Jones had done their job we might have a different opinion, but since they didn’t–Ruffino gets 4 Press-on Nails. That ain’t bad at all.

Now, go out and try some Italian other than the waiter at Macaroni Grill named Tony Jr. and we’ll see you with our review of the cheapest sparkles out there. And until then, help me wish a big, FAT  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Asti BoomBoom!!!

Asti may be just that, but she's my friend. Happy birthday!

Asti may be just that, but she’s my friend. Happy birthday!

Cheap Disguises for Cheap Champagne

Shit fire–you just got invited to a fancy holiday party! They didn’t want to invite you (you’re way less classy than they are); in fact, they’d rather invite the shoe shine guy at the country club than you. But you donated a kidney to help save their Tibetan Schnauzerdoodle and now they feel all obligated. But what to do?! What to bring?! You’re cheap and can’t afford no fancy hostess gift unless it’s actually made by Hostess and they screwed that plan all up for you. Bubbly makes a great gift, but if you buy that French stuff you’ll miss making your last Christmas layaway payment at K-Mart and then you’ll have to hear for another 11 months how mom screwed up Christmas again.

Well, never fear, we got you covered. If there’s one thing cheap women know, it’s how to put lipstick on a pig. Cheap women are the masters of sparkling things up. All our lives we’ve had to make the best with what we got and if we ain’t got much–well, there’s nothing an extra coat of base and some lycra can’t fix. And today we’re going to use those talents to help you class-up that cheap ass bottle of bubbly you plan on taking to the party. By the time we’re finished, those folks will forget who you really are and just figure you’re their kids’ orthodontist or something.

The Incognito Mojito

Ok, we’re not dealing with mojitos but it rhymed a lot better than sparkling wine. Anyway, you’ve got your bottle and you’re ready to disguise it to look like something fancy and expensive. Now, the theme is cheap so we’re not talking about any high-priced plastic surgery or talk show makeovers. Nope, this is more like what you’d get if you were going into the Venezuela witness protection program.

The Sad Sack

Don’t underestimate what a paper bag and a marker can do. In just a quick minute you can make your bottle look like it just came out of a fine package store. Throw a pack of menthols in for some added pizzazz.

French Champagne--WE We!

French Champagne–We We!

Ok, so French stuff isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re still ordering “Freedom Fries” at Burger King or you got bit by a poodle. Well, here is an easy and just as effective alternative…

Who would argue when it says it right there on the label?

Who would argue when it says it right there on the label?

Ok, these two options just didn’t scream “classy” for you. Well, with a little extra effort you could do one of the following…

The Fancy-Smancy

Is that the ghost of Liberace? No, it's just expensive champagne.

Is that the ghost of Liberace? No, it’s just expensive champagne.

Yank the feather boa off your Tinkerbell or whatever slutty fairytale character you went as for Halloween and slap it on the bottle. They’ll be so busy picking feathers out of their glasses they won’t even look at the label. But if you’re allergic to feathers, you could try this…

Blind them with bling!

Blind them with bling!

Grab all the rhinestones you can find in your jewelry box and throw it on there. Bitches like bling and will be so distracted by all the sparkle that they won’t even notice that a Keisha or Sherri has snuck in among the Kendals, Laurens and Blaires.

But that’s just way too girly for you and too much trouble? Well, there’s nothing like understated simplicity to say…

The Hippster has Arrived

I'm too hip for my bubbles.

I’m too hip for my bubbles.

If some vintage ’80’s shades won’t convince them this bottle is the stuff of caviar dreams then it’s time to use the good ol’ standby–sex. Yep, when in doubt–sex it up. T and A will distract anyone from anything. Put liquor and sex together and you have a winner.

Wine Porn

Dude, I think her bubbles are fake.

Dude, I think her bubbles are fake.

A couple of christmas balls make for great cleavage. And who wouldn’t want gold boobs in their face? All night this bottle will be saying, “Hey, buddy–my cork’s up here.”

Not convinced that boobs bought at Hobby Lobby will do the trick? Let’s take it up a notch…

Where's a pole when you need one?

Where’s a pole when you need one?

Instead of hiding the cheap just flaunt it. Slip a pair of fishnets (washed if possible) over the bottle and then add a hair elastic and some ones. People will just think you brought the entertainment.

Still not finding the vibe you’re going for? Maybe you’re wanting to show them you can party like a reality show celebrity. They all drink Armand de Brignac–Ace of Spades. There’s no way you can plop down the equivalent of a Hyundai payment just to impress some folks, but that’s the kind of front you want. Well, grab some aluminum foil and some playing cards and you’ll be a baller just like Kim K and What’s-His-Face.

Baller Bubbles

Ace of Spades--bitches!

Ace of Spades–bitches!

Now that you have all the tips and tricks you need to slip some cheap ass bubbly into a swanky soiree, get out there and party! Keep on keepin’ it cheap, y’all!

Holy shit! Is that Rihanna?

Holy shit! Is that Rihanna?

Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women: Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato

champagne pink vintage

Welcome to the first official review for Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women!! (Let’s all take a moment to picture this as a big boat with an old lady in a funny hat smashing a bottle of bubbly on the hull.) And on with the show!

Our first victim product is Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Champagne. I chose it because it’s cheap, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was the pink that pulled me in. This bottle of California sparkles can be bought pretty much anywhere: Wal-Mart, Target, Kroger, Walgreens, etc… Hell, I wouldn’t blink if I saw it being sold at a roadside tamale stand. Before we get down to what our group of esteemed critics said about this particular libation, let’s learn something.

The Lesson (Because Cheap Doesn’t Mean Stupid): Moscato–the Quick and Dirty Facts

Moscato is a sparkling wine that typically comes from Italy. It’s made from moscato (muscat) grapes. Being that Barefoot works out of California and Argentina, my 7th grade Geography class is telling me this wasn’t made in Italy (thank you Mr. Davis for educating me–I know you’re proud). So,that being determined, we’ll assume that it was made with muscat grapes but nowhere close to Italy.

Now, let’s talk about those bubbles. As you remember from my first post, bubbles in fancy French champagne come from a traditional method called Méthode Champenoise. This is a second fermentation that takes place in the bottle. It takes longer and requires pride in tradition as well as lots of patience (something the French possess but not so many Americans). The Barefoot people don’t do the super cheap system of directly injecting CO2 into this bubbly, but it uses the Charmat method. This means the secondary fermentation takes place before bottling while the wine sits in big metal barrels. It ain’t the fancy French method, but it ain’t soda pop neither.

We’ve gotten the region, grapes, and bubbles out-of-the-way. The only thing left is to explain the color. Pink! Where does it get that blush and bashful hue? Well, most pink moscato is made from Muscat Blanc grapes but is infused with some red wine like merlot, pinot noir or whatever red wine they had laying around. I couldn’t find out exactly what they put in Barefoot Bubbly’s moscato, but who cares–it’s pink!!

And with that…

barefoot

Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Sparkling Champagne

This is what the folks at Barefoot Bubbly say about their pink moscato– “Deliciously sweet and bubbly with flavors of red tree fruit and fresh berries. A creamy finish collides perfectly with candied cherries and sweet citrus flavors making it the sweetest Bubbly we’ve got.”

My first thought was that they also refer to their sparkling wines as champagne when they really aren’t, so I was already hesitant to believe their description, but that’s why we’re tasting it.

They went on to suggest pairings with this bubbly– “Get the night started with
some cheese, sweet treats and some fresh fruit!”

When I read in the comment section on their page  that one drinker strongly suggested that you mix it with diet Mt. Dew, I knew we could be in some trouble. Let’s see what our panel of cheap ladies had to say.

The Review

Trashy 9Cristal Chandelier:  Sweet Jesus (with the emphasis on the sweet)! Smells better than it tastes. I like bubbly stuff, but this reminded me of a Shirley Temple for grown-ups. I probably would only drink it again if it was free – and I was already drunk on good champagne. It sure is pretty, though! I was going to give it a 2 but I’ll give it 2.5 Press-on Nails. I don’t want it to feel bad because it’s nasty.

trashy 5Sassy Bubbles:  I knew it would be sweet when I heard moscato– Surprisingly, it didn’t taste as sweet as the moscato wine I’ve sampled before. The bubbles seemed to make it a drier version. Still, I’m not a big fan. It was so pink & pretty & I love the way it bubbles, but I just can’t get past the sweet. I enjoyed it much better today as a mimosa! (A side note: You should’ve seen the blonde locks of the dude who sold it to me. He was jammin’ to the Beastie Boys & had the longest, thickest hair, most girls would be jealous of.) 1.5 Press-on Nails.

Trashy 20Chardonnay-nay Jones:   It reminded me of cheap white zin and Sprite, not that it kept me from drinking the whole bottle. It made me burp–a lot. But after my third glass, I didn’t care and it paired well with my Lean Cuisine chicken/broccoli shit.

2 Press-on Nails

Trashy GodivaGranny Hooch:  Let me tell ya girls, I’ve made moonshine outta horse apples that tasted better than that sickeningly sweet, sorry excuse for a sparkly. Those Barefoot people need ta find their shoes and walk on over to a different grape, Leave those more muscato grapes alone; makes me embarrassed for ’em. I give that bubbly 1 Press-on Nail–pressed right onto my middle finger.

Trashy 16Sparkle Spumante:   It looks really pretty and has tons of bubbles. *takes first sip* When the hell did Juicy Juice start making wine? Yeah, there are hints of fruit alright–apple juice and NuGrape. But I muscled through and by the third glass my tongue was numb and it went down pretty easy.

2 Press-on Nails

Trashy 8Bianca Blanc:   Does shit come in pink? Does it come in a bottle? Yes it does! Did that stop me from drinking the entire bottle? Nope. Did somebody accidentally drink it before work and have to call a friend to drive them in? I’ll never tell, but if they did–they made twice the tips.

2 Press-on Nails

champagne purple dressTipsy Tiffanie:    First of all, I couldn’t find it in the small ass town that I live, but it was not to be deterred. I decided to go Christmas shopping in Shreveport and stopped at a gas station in Homer, LA. To my surprise, they had it!  (Please note that this station also sells grinders and scales for “tobacco use only”. Shopped all day long and decided to stay at the new Jimmy Buffett casino. After shopping with 4 kids in tow, we sent them to the movies and hit the casino. I won $1300 on a nickel slot machine and decided to go back to my room and celebrate with my bubbly. I had two other “of age” people with me and we all thought it was pretty good. I don’t know if it was because I had been drinking for several hours beforehand though. My husband says it takes a little like Diet Cherry 7-Up, but that did not deter him.  I would give it 3 but I’m afraid that would be the other alcohol talking.  Over all I give it 2.5 press on nails!

Champagne dancerLil’ Brut:   Just way too sweet!!! An after taste of vomit. That may be because I’ve vomited sweet champagne before.  However, for a sweet wine it is not awful. I will give this 2 Press-on Nails.

Trashy 6Venus Riesling:  Now, I like sweet and when I say sweet…where I come from, we make tea by making simple syrup: dumping a cup or two or three of sugar into half a cup of hot water. For sweetness, a 3. Bubbles and fizz, a 4. Overall flavor, for $10 it’s pretty good, but I’m partial to pink moscato (can’t stand moscato though). Like pink lemonade vs lemonade–I can tell the difference. 4 Press-on Nails

champagne blk n whtJezebelle Noir:  I score Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato 4 Press-on Nails. Why? Because it was cheap, it had my mother with a practically broken back dancin’ and me rollin’ on the floor laughin’!

What all that means:

Well, the average score for Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato comes to a whopping 2.35 Press-on Nails. If you’re a high school football player and that’s your GPA–congrats you have a full scholarship! If you’re a non-sport-playing student with that GPA–welcome to telemarketer training! If you’re a wine and that’s the score you were given–ehhh. You’re middle of the road. It won’t kill the opossum living under your porch, but it won’t impress those uppity in-laws either. I do want to note that this panel has a lot of dry-lovin’ ladies on it. If I take the scores from just the girls who love sweet–it got a 4! If I include the sweet-middle girls–it’s over a 3. So, that being said, if you love sweet bubbly and want something pink, you should give this a try. If you like it dry–this probably ain’t for you.

A final note: All of these reviews made me giggle and laugh, but I have to say my favorite came from Jezebelle Noir. Why? Because it was a great reminder of what champagne is all about. It’s about celebrating life and having fun. It’s about bringing people together. We can’t all afford Cristal and Dom, but we all deserve to feel like we can, and that’s what this little blog is all about. Grab a bottle, follow along and dance on some tables while you’re at it.

Next week join us for a threesome! (All of a sudden the number of male subscribers went through the roof.) We’ll be reviewing 3 different brands of sparkling, liquid magic. Cheers!!!

*Want to get to know the panel batter? Read their bios here.

The Cheap Women Who Chug Cheap Champagne

Champagne cheap

If you read my last post you know that I’m dedicating this month to rating cheap champagnes. More specifically, a team of highly skilled “cheap” women has been assembled to rank bubbly from the divine to the rank and all that’s in between. It’s time to meet these women who so unselfishly took up the flag and agreed to march their livers  onto the battlefield, all in the name of protecting others from shit-tay (that’s French talk for crappy) wine.

The Women:
Now, I describe them as cheap, and that can mean a bunch of things, including thrifty. But if you google “cheap” or “thrifty” women, you get a bunch of coupon clippers, and that ain’t funny. Google “trashy” and it’s a whole other story. So, for the sake of funny, you’re getting trashy in all of it’s loose morals glory.

champagne purple dressTipsy Tiffanie:

This fiery Arkansas mama was permanently banned from the PTA when they discovered
her sneaking vodka inside a Capri Sun juice pouch.

Trashy 6Venus DeRiesling:

This sci-fi hottie was raised on the mean streets of Memphis, but don’t be using no bad grammar around her or she’ll grab your dangling participle and shank you with it.

Trashy 8Bianca Blanc:

This tiny Jewish mommy keeps the Carolinas smokin’. Her curves will make a blind, Baptist man yell “Mazel Tov!”

trashy 5Sassy Bubbles:

This bubbly blonde’s career in medicine backfired when she realized her cleavage was causing more heart attacks than she could help.

Champagne dancer Lil’ Brut:

Don’t let her refined, ladylike ways fool you. This ginger is the reigning champ in the underground Downton Abbey rap battle circuit. And she just released 3 mix tapes. Word to ya mum!

Trashy 20Chardonnay-nay Jones:

She inspired Sir Mix A Lot’s “Baby Got Back”,  but now this witty mama spends her days drinking at her government desk.

Trashy GodivaGranny Hooch:

She may have invented lap dancing during her vaudeville days, but now she just gets confused and rides her horse naked through town.

Trashy 22Asti BoomBoom:

She invented twerking almost 20 years ago between honor classes. This super mama is still the master of the craft, but now she calls it Zumba.

champagne blk n whtJezebelle Noir:

After school her house is like the little ol’ lady who lived in a shoe, but Jezebelle KNOWS what to do–vodka!

Trashy 19Monet Chandon:

This Brit speaks French and sips tea. Too posh to be cheap, you say? Nope—she lives in Jersey and has chickens in her yard.

Trashy 9Cristal Chandelier:

Don’t call this funny mama short—she’s “fun size.” She earned infamy among the neighborhood Bunko groups when she showed them she could hold a glass of whiskey between her boobs while she sewed her own thong.

Trashy 16Sparkle Spumante:

This ADD mama doesn’t wear panties, but, if she did, she’d hot glue some gitter on those bitches (but still end up forgetting where she put them).

Trashy 7Kittie Tattinger:

This creative, globetrotting girl got stuck in Texas, but her liver still pretends it’s in Rome. When not bathing in red wine, she likes cats and futbol (sometimes together).

And now for technical garbage……….

………………………….

The Rating system:

trashy plastic fingernails

We couldn’t just stick with a boring system of stars to rate these beverages. We had to come up with something that fit the theme. I finally decided on something that screams “cheap trying to be classy” (just like the sparkling wine we’re sampling)–Press-on Nails!! Am I right? I mean, nothing compares to red, plastic talons stuck on your fingers with sticky tape. So that’s it–the bubbly will be graded on a scale of 1 to 5 Press-on Nails. 1 nail means that particular drink should only be used for poisoning varmints or a cheating man. A score of 5 Press-on Nails means this is some high-class shit–we’d drink this stuff ’til our panties fell off (AKA- a panty-dropper).

The Lesson (Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid): Deciphering the code

Ever stared at the selection of bubble juice and scratched your head over all the dry, extra dry, Brut, etc..? Well, fear not–I shall give you the public school version of this lesson. It all has to do with sugar and how much is put in the batch of bubbly. In real honest-to-God champagne there’s a process of removing the sediment from a bottle after it’s fermented. That process is called disgorging. After that’s removed there’s space in the bottle that needs to be filled. That’s done with reserve wine. That process is called dosage and can affect the sweetness of the champagne. Some champagne producers don’t do the dosage part and that makes a very dry bubbly referred to as Brut Nature. But…

…we ain’t dealing in the good stuff. I doubt very seriously I will come across a Brut Nature within the cheap budget (but I’ll do my best). So, with that said, let’s look at the scale used to describe a wine on the sweetness scale.

Extra Brut/Brut Zero: Dry. Bone dry. Drier than a post-menapausal woman sleeping in the desert.

Brut: Crisp and dry but won’t make you feel like you dragged your tongue over a plank of plywood.

Extra Dry: Are you starting to scratch your head yet? I think the French just like to play little pranks on folks. Extra Dry is middle of the road, Not too dry and not too sweet–just right. That little delinquent, Goldilocks, would like this one.

Dry: In Frenchy prank language, dry actually means fairly sweet. If you lean towards sweeter, but just can’t take a moscato, go for this.

From that you move into the really-sweet-might-get-a-cavity stuff like the above mentioned moscato or a riesling. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. If you like it sweet–you like it sweet.

And until next time, here’s a quick shout out to some of the places I found these amazing photos: Missy Vintage, Vintage Venus, Johnny’s Vintage Archives and Vintage Photos of Burlesque Dancers. I’d also like to recommend the Pinterest board where I found most of those amazing book covers: Black Suede (I dig her stuff and I think you will too).

Cheers!

Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women

champagne quote

I know that Mondays are usually reserved for Mommy’s Little Helper posts, so don’t worry, this won’t stray far from that theme. You see, I’ve become obsessed with champagne ever since my birthday party this past January where I decided on a pink champagne theme. That obsession got my little wheels turning.
Champagne is lovely and sparkly and girly. I’m not always girly, but when I am–I’m damn girly! I would love to sip champagne more often than I do, but that would impact my budget and the law frowns on me sending my children to school in clothing fashioned from plastic grocery bags and cereal boxes. That’s when I came up with a solution–drink cheap champagne!

Just looking at that makes me feel more girly.

Just looking at that makes me feel more girly.

And that is when the lightbulb sparked in my head. What if I do a series of posts dedicated to finding the best of the cheap champagnes? I could do taste tests! Yes! I could assemble a panel of “cheap” women to taste cheap champagne and rate it. Brilliance! I mean, why not sacrifice a few liver cells for the greater good of all the other on a budget cheap girls out there? I’m a giver, people.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m assembling a national team of cheap women experts to lend their taste buds and opinions to the blog. Their identities will be concealed to protect the innocent (and keep child protective services at bay), but their opinions will be uncensored.
Who doesn’t want to base their beverage purchases off the opinions of women who know there’s nothing that says you’re a woman like red nail polish, a good-fitting bra and glitter? And, if you think about it, it’s the perfect time of year to explore some sparkly drinks. We’ll give you the scoop on the best of the lowbrow brew, so you can disguise those bottles with some glitter and serve it up with pride at your holiday shindig. Yee haw, bitches–it’s gonna be fun!!
Now, to pass the time while I assemble my crackhead crack team of fluzzies, I’ll give you a quick and dirty (who doesn’t love that?) course on the fizzy stuff.

Cheap Doesn’t Mean Stupid: Lesson 1

It ain't real if it ain't from France.

It ain’t real if it ain’t from France.

Not all champagne is created equal. In fact, a lot of stuff sold as “champagne” is an imposter–a hooker in wife’s clothing. A sparkling wine shouldn’t be referred to as champagne unless it was produced in the Champagne region of France. I agree with that. I understand why all those little French guys get their berets in a knot over this. ( I recently discovered my novel is being pirated online, so I know what it’s like to feel like all your hard work has been shat upon.) That being said, the name of the series will keep the word champagne in it even if we’re really sampling sparkling wine (it just sounds better).
And that brings us to said sparkling wine. That’s pretty much bubbly made anywhere else in the world, whether that’s a vineyard in California or a whorehouse in Nevada. We’re not judging where it comes from, just what it tastes like.
What are the differences you ask? Well, outside of where it is produced, it comes down to how those magic little bubbles get in the bottle. In real champagne they are formed during the second fermentation that takes place in the bottle. With sparkling wine, most are shot up with CO2 just like a bottle of soda pop. So they’re still sparkling and festive, just cheap! Think of champagne as the Marilyn Monroe or Liz Taylor of drinks, while Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are the sparkling wines (they’re pretty, sparkly and fun, but they just can’t shake the “cheap” off).

And that’s it for our first lesson. Next time you’ll be introduced to our panel of experts and given a second little dose of knowledge. Until then, stop by my Pinterest page and have a look at my Pink Champagne Party Board. It’s snazzy!

Mommy’s Little Helper Monday: Thanksgiving Edition

I know it’s been awhile. I even missed my favorite holiday of the year–Halloween. I’ve had some crazy health crap going on that made it pretty much impossible to read or write. If you want the full story, head over and read “Suck it, Iritis!” on my other blog. If not, let’s dive on in…

"Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the Wild Turkey."

“Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the Wild Turkey.”

It’s Thanksgiving week. If you were unaware of that little fact, I want whatever drugs you’re taking. This little holiday started when a bunch of white pilgrims (who’d made themselves home on property that didn’t belong to them) realized they couldn’t take care of themselves. The Natives felt sorry for them and carted food over to help them survive the winter. They played nice, but then the pilgrims invited their friends to come bunk with them and they all went on to steal the Natives’ food and land while killing them off with delightful diseases.

gobbler cartoon

If you think about it, the holiday hasn’t changed too much. The family invites everyone over, even the family members you don’t really trust or like. So forty-year-old cousin Greg comes over to eat. He’s been in rehab a couple of times and even though he failed out of sword swallowing school, his band just got a gig at the school craft fair. You feel sorry for him and it really seems like this time he’s learning from his mistakes. He convinces you that he should stay in your basement for awhile. You’re drunk on carbs, so you agree. Two months later all of your food is gone, the cat and several pairs of your panties are missing, and your kids come down with crabs by just walking through the basement. You try to kick him out and that starts a war with his part of the family, even though they didn’t want him in their house.

gobbler 3

See! Dysfunction has remained a part of this holiday since its inception. Crazy=tradition.

I’ve actually been pretty lucky in the Thanksgiving department. It wasn’t until my 20’s that they took a nosedive. I can’t go into the details, but the retelling of the WORST Thanksgiving I’d ever had came in second place in a radio contest looking for the most dysfunctional holiday story. That was an anonymous contest and this blog is not built for concealing my identity, so I’ll just let you imagine the worst.

Now, let’s get on with the important stuff. How do you survive the holiday? Liquor!! My holiday has always been spent in the home of a Southern Baptist minister, so liquor was about as welcome as satan (even if he showed up with a nice pie). But the house has passed on to my grandmother and now to us. We keep the libations hidden, but they’re there. So, sticking with the idea that liquor is more important than some damn green bean casserole…

THE LIBATION:

Wine, beer and even a neat bourbon are just predictable and boring. I couldn’t let a nice merlot be my suggestion for a Thanksgiving themed drink. I had to dig deep into the depths of Pinterest. And I found all types of things on there. Lots of mulled apple crap and hot buttered rum (just the thought of that made me want to baste myself in it). But what to choose? I wanted something that just screams Thanksgiving louder than uncle Dean having a flashback of Vietnam. So I decided to make something up. I concocted a drink that gives you the entire Thanksgiving experience in one big glass. Ladies and gentleman, I give you…

THE GOBBLER (AKA The Alien Chicken)

My youngest son's first turkey art from preschool. He brought it to me and proclaimed it an "Alien Chicken." there's no denying he's my child.

My youngest son’s first turkey art from preschool. He brought it to me and proclaimed it an “Alien Chicken.” there’s no denying he’s my child.

What’s the staple of pretty much every Thanksgiving celebration? The turkey. Those poor birds must have been velociraptors in their past lives and racked up some seriously negative karma. Even Ben Franklin couldn’t save their feathered asses. Their fancy cousin, the eagle, got the glam job and the turkeys endure colonoscopies of stuffing. But regardless, my drink had to represent that bird, and the only way to do it was with some Wild Turkey!

So, grab some of that shit and pour it in a glass. (I even discovered that they now make a honey and a spiced version if you want to really give it a holiday flare.)

Now that the dead bird is taken care of, what else just exudes this holiday? Hmmm….there’s mashed potatoes…yams…dressing….gravy…pie. PIE!!! Holy pilgrim hat, how could I forget pie?!? There’s so many kinds of pie: pumpkin, apple, pecan, chocolate, coconut, lemon…oh, sweet baby Jesus in a “My first Thanksgiving” onsie, I can’t choose. I say you just grab a flavor liquor of your choosing and throw it in the cup along with another helping of the Wild Turkey.

Not good enough? Well, if you need it to look all Martha Stewart, throw in some sliced apples, a cinnamon stick  and some cranberries. Hell, I say you stick a wedge of pie on the rim as garnish. Now that would be a f*ckin’ drink.

Still not up to what you were picturing? Well, I can’t blame you, because I’m not representing the mother of all carbs– the true star of the holiday table–dressing! I mean, that’s what the holiday is all about. But as much as I love the stuff, I’m not dropping a blob of it into a perfectly good Big Gulp cup of Wild Turkey, so I’ll try another approach. We’ll represent that casserole of goodness by “dressing” up our drink. Crafting a festive little  coozie will keep the kids busy, fancy up your drink, and disguise it from others. You can tell the family it’s just a big glass of tea. If they ask for some, tell them it’s laxative tea. If they still want some, just pretend your laxative tea has kicked in and hide in the bathroom the rest of the night.

The Gobbler

The Gobbler

Now, if this isn’t fancy enough for your little holiday party then you must think your special. But it’s the season of thanks and brotherly love, so instead of making fun of your snobbery, I’ll direct you to a nice long list of fancy drinks. But don’t come crying to me when you realize they don’t have handmade turkey coozies. Your loss, pal.

And that’s all I got for this little blog, because my youngest has started puking and has a fever. I have to give it to him for bringing some authenticity to the holiday. The pilgrims gave small pox to the natives and I’m sure he’s going to give fifth’s disease or something to the rest of us. And that brings us to a quick

DUH-I-ALREADY-KNEW-THAT-HELPFUL HINT:

If there’s just not enough whiskey in Kentucky to get you through the holiday with your family, then I suggest you educate yourself on the various communicable diseases. Scan WebMD and learn all the symptoms of various illnesses that you can fake to keep you out of the festivities. There’s nothing like a case of pertussis or the measles to make the family revoke your invitation to sit at the kids table. Have no shame? Offer up syphilis or the clap to give you your “get out of jail free” card. Need something that will give you a permanent exile? Go for Hep C or leprosy (nobody wants a hunk of nose falling off in the cranberry sauce).

And that’s it, folks. Go out there and make some dysfunctional memories that even the best sitcom writers can’t come up with.

Gobble! Gobble! (That's Turkey for "cheers")

Gobble! Gobble! (That’s Turkey for “cheers”)

Mommy’s Little Helper Monday: 4th of July Edition

Yes, I realize it’s Wednesday Thursday! I’m all confused because my husband is home and my brain has turned to something resembling a disgusting gelatin salad. Why? Because this thing called “summer break” happened. If you’re a teacher or live in a state with year round school (lucky bastards), then you were overjoyed by this occasion. If you are like me and have too many little boys and not enough meds, then you probably felt like you were dropped into the middle of Apocalypse Now. It took some time, but I’ve finally crawled out of the trenches and I’m back at work, spreading my bad advice to the world of frazzled moms.

Crap! I think Charlie the kids are coming.

Crap! I think Charlie the kids are coming.

So, let’s get down to business…The 4th of July. Honestly, I’m not even a big fan of the holiday. I like to refer to it as National Rednecks Blow Shit Up day. You see, I live in Texas. Texans like to use gunpowder to make things go “BOOM”. It doesn’t matter if it’s a string of firecrackers in a metal trashcan or a bullet in a deer. They like loud noises and if there’s some blood or something dies–all the better!! Now you won’t see this down in Highland Park but I don’t live there. I live up in “horse country.” There are plenty of wealthy folks out here, too, but as they say “you can take the redneck out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the redneck.”  Anyway, fireworks are prohibited in our neighborhood, but rednecks who’ve weaseled their way in here don’t give a Roman Candle full of shit about no damn ordinances. “By God, this is America! George Washington and all his folks didn’t blow the shit out of some indians and redcoats AND pour coffee in a lake just so we couldn’t set off some firecrackers in our own damn yard!” And because this is the mindset of a few of my neighbors, they will set those damn bottle rockets and Black Cats off until 2am. It makes me crazy. It makes me want to go out there and strangle them with their wife-beater, but there’s another damn ordinance against that , too.

When Earl Ray accidentally breaks bottle for launching rockets, Jimmy Wayne steps up and offers his ass crack like a true American.

When Earl Ray accidentally breaks the bottle for launching rockets, Jimmy Wayne steps up and offers his ass crack like a true American.

Ok, enough bitching. Let’s focus on the fun things about the holiday. My husband’s family always invites us to come out to their land so my boys can indulge in a redneck-lite version of the holiday. Their older cousins take them to the dock of the pond and help them shoot off lots of fireworks. It satisfies their deep boy craving for explosives, and I get to watch it from a “farm-house” that’s nicer than my real house (these are Highland Park people). The best part about the time is that my husband’s family likes to drink. This year’s theme is “Chili dogs and Champagne.” Now, tell me you aren’t jealous.

Speaking of liquor….

The Libation:

I know that you’re probably expecting some fancy red, white and blue layered drink called an Independence Bomb or Liberty-loda or Screw John Hancock Against a Wall. But all of those require way more effort than I’ve allotted for this little blog. I have to save my energy for breaking up fights, washing off marker tattoos they’ve drawn all over their faces, and requesting that every dinner conversation does not start with trying to slip some reference to balls or nuts in (I know, it’s a bad habit I’m trying to break).

july drinkIf you’re expecting something fancy like above, head on over to RollingOut and get the recipe. If you’re in Apocalypse-Jello-Brain world like me, stick around. The OCD Martha Stewart part of me would love to make those beautiful drinks, but my reality is making the half-ass Martha side of me give you this…

One of the best summer beers I've had!

One of the best summer beers I’ve had!

Shiner’s Ruby Redbird has become one of my favorite summer beers EVER! And it is a perfect drink for my 4th of July libation pick. Why? There’s no fancy glasses required or layering. It has the word “red” in it so it qualifies as patriotic. And when you see your neighbor trying to use his ass crack to shoot off rockets you can take one of these over to him, saving him a trip to the ER and you a trip to the therapist. I’m not going to get into all the details of what makes this beer taste yummy to me. For that I’ll send you over to the folks at Summer Beer Review. Why them? Because when I was looking for photos of the beer their’s had flamingos in it.

Now, if beer isn’t your thing, you need help; but until you get that help, I’ll give you one more idea. Make a simple drink (cranberry and vodka, margarita, champagne, martini, straight ethanol) and sugar the rim with Pop Rocks. Yep, Pop Rocks!! Who wouldn’t have fun with that? In fact, I’m even making Pop Rock truffles today to take to the family shindig.

Snap! Crackle! Pop! your way to sweet oblivion.

Snap! Crackle! Pop! your way to sweet oblivion.

Go to Pizzazzarie to get the good on this mouth-full of fun. You know you want to.

Duh-I-Already-Knew-That-Helpful-HInt:

I have to change the title of this little bit because it’s just a bitch to type out. Anyway, here’s that hint: DON’T LET YOUR KIDS SHOOT OFF FIREWORKS!!!! I know this is a ceremony for entering manhood (turning 6) in many parts of the south, but it’s stupid. I admit I have an extreme phobia of fireworks, but it’s with reason. I actually know people who have been badly injured by fireworks. A good friend of my god-daughter had a massive hole blown in his thigh. I have the picture on my phone and show it to my older boys so they understand these aren’t Nerf fireworks–they don’t bounce off. I may scar them emotionally by doing this, but they can hide those scars for a therapist or horrible girlfriend to dig up later. Finger stumps and melted ears are harder to hide. If you have a tough gut and no gag reflex from years of cleaning up puke and patching up your kids after they shank each other with Legos they’ve melted down, then go Goggle “firework injuries” for a very blunt reminder of what they can do.

The Funny:

I know, I was going down a depressing path there, and I’m trying to remedy that. But what can I post for this 4th themed bit to make you giggle? If rednecks shooting bottle rockets from their asses didn’t do it, I may have to dig deep. Hmmm… I’ve searched and searched and found some pretty disturbing stuff but nothing that really made me laugh. Oh, well. I guess that means we should use this time to reflect on the sacrifices our forefathers made to form this country. Let’s take a minute to be thankful for all of the blood they shed so that we could have the freedom to do this in their honor…

God bless America

God bless America