Cheap Champagne-palooza (part 2)

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Ok, I know it’s well past New Year’s Eve, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop drinking bubbly. My intention was to get this out before the year changed, but we ended up in a bar with a bunch of crazy guys from Holland–I got distracted (and possibly a little tipsy playing the alligator game). Anyway, part one of this post covered prosecco and this installment is covering the cheapest of the cheap. My directions to the panel of Cheap Women was pretty much along the lines of “go find the cheapest shit you can and drink it”. So, let’s see what the bravest of the ladies picked and what they had to say about them.

Baby New Year knows how to start the year off.

Baby New Year knows how to start the year off.

Lil' Brut

Lil’ Brut

I chose to review Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée over the other options, thinking I might get a better “champagne”. Nope. The “crisp apple flavor” the label mentioned, tasted mainly bitter and somewhat sour, not exactly what I would call “crisp”. It was as if I were drinking a diet coke. I hate diet coke. I do, however, like Brut “champagne”, but this Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée, did not measure up. The Big Brute took one sip, compared it to Sprite, and then poured out the remainder of the glass. I hate Sprite. We went out to meet friends later that night for a New Years Eve celebration, and when the free champagne was passed around, I passed on having a glass (actually plastic cup). The Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvée, put me off having a second sip of “champagne” for the night. I toasted the New Year with Modelo Especial and a long kiss from the Big Brute, instead. I give this 1 press on nail.

Jezebelle Noir

Jezebelle Noir

Barefoot Bubbly Cuvée. I like the name. It just sounds fancy… Without the fancy price! I bought this bottle of champagne after a long day of Christmas shopping with my three kids. Let’s just say I was already trying to pry open the bottle with my teeth in the car on my way home! But don’t worry–I didn’t. I don’t drink and drive with the kids in the car. Anyway, I made it home and popped that sucker open lickity split. I waited for the bubbles to settle after erupting from the bottle, then I took a swig. Sppppppppplahhh!!!! What the? It wasn’t even swallowable! It was bitter and dry and just flat-out nasty! Tasted like monkey vomit! Or how I would imagine monkey vomit would taste like. Rating: 1 press-on nail.

Fab photo courtesy of Kittie Tattinger.

Fab photo courtesy of Kittie Tattinger.

Kittie Tattinger

Kittie Tattinger

Cook’s Brut Grand Reserve Rocks! I was shocked, so was my dh! I really thought it would suck so I prepared myself with putting happiness around me. 1st- had it for breakfast on NYE. 2nd- pulled up London’s 2012 to 13 NYE fireworks on YouTube. 3rd- used a mustard jar from Paris. I’m missing Europe and really want champagne…. First taste? nice! Second? nice! Rest of the glass? Yum…gone! Dry but not too dry. No funky aftertaste. The rest of the bottle went down quick and wished I had bought more.

4.5 press on nails. (-.5 as no height on the cork). Would buy again and hide the label. Great cheap plonk for a boozy bird!!!

Sassy Bubbles

Sassy Bubbles

Cook’s Brut Grand Reserve. This was kinda decent for the price, & if I were a teenager again I’d have totally traded in my Purple Passion! I tried, but I just couldn’t talk myself into loving it. Not sure how it got its name, cuz nothing about it shouted grand or reserve! I tried it alone first & couldn’t drink it by itself – I ended up enjoying it as a mustache mimosa! Every cheap    Champagne/sparkling wine girl needs a mustache wine glass!  2.2 press on nails

Tipsy Tiffanie

Tipsy Tiffanie

In an effort to do something for my fellow man before the end of 2013, I dove head first into the world of cheap champagne last night.  By cheap- I mean Cook’s Extra Brut….$7.95.  My hopes were not high, but armed with my best friend and Dirty Dancing on tv who could go wrong?  I’m not one for fancy stemware all the time, but we figured this might be an occasion for champagne glasses.  The first glass was brutal, but being true alcoholics, we choked it down and persevered and poured another glass.  We unanimously decided it tasted a lot like sparkling apple cider.  You know- the kind in the Welch’s bottle in the juice aisle at your local Wal-Mart?  By the time we got to the end of the bottle, we were wishing Patrick Swayze was standing in the living room threatening anyone who puts baby in the corner! All said and done- I’d give it 1.5 Press on Nails.  Would I drink it again….in a pinch….HELL YES!

Moxie Mimosa

Moxie Mimosa

Cook’s Extra Dry: The Book Club ladies and I met Saturday morning for our Christmas party, and to taste test our champagne. While our omelettes in a bag cooked (recipe posted further down), we tried our bubbly. I do believe this is the first time we ever drank Cook’s naked – meaning without it being in orange juice first. Who knew it tasted like old socks? Dirty, old socks! Hold your nose, and keep drinking until the timer goes off and your omelets are done. Now, reward yourself by putting some orange juice in your dirty sick champagne!  If give Cook’s 1 press on nail by itself, and 2 1/2 in a mimosa. But, I give the ziplock bag omelets 4 press on nails!

Venus DeRiesling

Venus DeRiesling

To quote my best friend about our libations this fine evening: “they were both crapass!” I dug deep bc i had to play catchup and drink 2 champagnes: Cupcake Prosecco and Cook’s Extra Dry. After a trip to Walmart, a bowl of hearty homemade chili, and Memphis fudge pie, me, my bff and Dallas bestie set out to do our Hussie duty, Now my bff is visiting from Memphis and was pretty excited @ Prosecco bc she just loves Prosecco…. Well, not this one. To quote my other girlfriend tonight, “it tastes like alcoholic tonic water” and made us wish we were back in our crazy, broke, college days sucking down Boones Farm! Speaking of stuff we sucked down in our glory days gone by… Cooks was a step up in that we didn’t have to pour the entire can of peach nectar into our glasses to stomach this swill.  Our assessment: Prosecco rates 1 press on nail,  and said nail fell off and cracked in half. I should’ve used super glue to hold it on and it probably would’ve tasted better than that Prosecco.  Cooks rates 1 press on nail that stayed glued!

Sparkle Spumante

Sparkle Spumante

yellow tail sparkling white wine. I should have known to stay away from anything that’s name gave me a mental image of a fluffy dog’s pee stained ass (I know- but once you’ve had to scrub dysentery off a mean Pomeranian’s ass, the image never leaves you). Usually you do the walk of shame the morning after drinking; I did the walk of shame buying this one. I should have worn a disguise because my little wine guy looked at me with a very disappointed expression. This stuff comes from Australia. I like Australia and have had massive fun with Australian friends. This stuff they should keep down under–way under. Pour it around your tents to keep dingoes from stealing babies. I couldn’t make it through half a glass, but it did make great mimosas the next day. Save this for that purpose or to take your nail polish off with. 1 dingo-chewed press-on nail by itself but makes a 3 press-on nail mimosa.

Dom Bigolo

Dom Bigolo

yellow tail sparkling white wine: Took a sip. Looked concerned. Left room and came back with scotch. No nails for you.

Chardonnay-nay Jones

Chardonnay-nay Jones

yellow tail sparkling rose wine: It looks so pretty and pink in the glass with all it’s bubbles, it makes you feel a little sexy like when Matthew McConaughey suddenly swaggers into your dream. You start feeling all flirty and girly and the bubbles make you tingly, then you take that first sip and–Oh, My God!! Suddenly it’s Dallas Buyers Club Matthew–naked!! No matter what, you can’t get that image out of your brain or taste out of your mouth…unless you keep drinking. Eventually your tongue doesn’t care, you finish the bottle and go on to have dreams about Todd Bridges (Willis) taking you to the circus. 1.5 press-on nails.

The Lesson: Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid

Ok, usually I blow your mind with some trivia so you can show off at your next “Cousin So-in-so got out of jail” party, but not this time. I just didn’t feel like doing the research, so the ladies came to the rescue. Thee girls happened to send little extras in with their reviews, so I thought I’d include them here as useful tips. First a health tip from Lil’ Brut.

The more blueberries you shove in to your champagne glass, the more nutritious your "champagne" becomes. (backdrop courtesy of my daughter's princess petal dress).

The more blueberries you shove in to your champagne glass, the more nutritious your “champagne” becomes. (backdrop courtesy of my daughter’s princess petal dress).

Who knew that being healthier could be so easy. In fact, Moxie Mimosa supplied us with a healthy recipe that uses plastic bags and boiling water–cheap woman version of Julia Child!

Here is the recipe for an omelet in a bag wine tasting brunch:  Write your name on a ziplock bag, put your preferred omelet ingredients (already set out in bowls by your hostess) in the bag, then add 2 eggs and zip the bag. Smash it all up together and throw all the bags in a big pot of boiling water. Set the timer for 13 minutes and open your champagne. Open the bag with your name on it, and pour your perfectly prepared omelet onto your plate. Kids and old people will love ’em!

Now, that’s my kind of recipe. Sassy Bubbles didn’t send a recipe but she did send a nice photo of an accessory that makes any cheap bubbly or mimosa even more fun to drink.

Mustache glass!!

Mustache glass!!

All the cheap women of the blog hope your 2014 has started off great. We’ll be back soon with some recipes to help make the most of cheapest, nastiest bubblies out there.

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