Cheap Disguises for Cheap Champagne

Shit fire–you just got invited to a fancy holiday party! They didn’t want to invite you (you’re way less classy than they are); in fact, they’d rather invite the shoe shine guy at the country club than you. But you donated a kidney to help save their Tibetan Schnauzerdoodle and now they feel all obligated. But what to do?! What to bring?! You’re cheap and can’t afford no fancy hostess gift unless it’s actually made by Hostess and they screwed that plan all up for you. Bubbly makes a great gift, but if you buy that French stuff you’ll miss making your last Christmas layaway payment at K-Mart and then you’ll have to hear for another 11 months how mom screwed up Christmas again.

Well, never fear, we got you covered. If there’s one thing cheap women know, it’s how to put lipstick on a pig. Cheap women are the masters of sparkling things up. All our lives we’ve had to make the best with what we got and if we ain’t got much–well, there’s nothing an extra coat of base and some lycra can’t fix. And today we’re going to use those talents to help you class-up that cheap ass bottle of bubbly you plan on taking to the party. By the time we’re finished, those folks will forget who you really are and just figure you’re their kids’ orthodontist or something.

The Incognito Mojito

Ok, we’re not dealing with mojitos but it rhymed a lot better than sparkling wine. Anyway, you’ve got your bottle and you’re ready to disguise it to look like something fancy and expensive. Now, the theme is cheap so we’re not talking about any high-priced plastic surgery or talk show makeovers. Nope, this is more like what you’d get if you were going into the Venezuela witness protection program.

The Sad Sack

Don’t underestimate what a paper bag and a marker can do. In just a quick minute you can make your bottle look like it just came out of a fine package store. Throw a pack of menthols in for some added pizzazz.

French Champagne--WE We!

French Champagne–We We!

Ok, so French stuff isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re still ordering “Freedom Fries” at Burger King or you got bit by a poodle. Well, here is an easy and just as effective alternative…

Who would argue when it says it right there on the label?

Who would argue when it says it right there on the label?

Ok, these two options just didn’t scream “classy” for you. Well, with a little extra effort you could do one of the following…

The Fancy-Smancy

Is that the ghost of Liberace? No, it's just expensive champagne.

Is that the ghost of Liberace? No, it’s just expensive champagne.

Yank the feather boa off your Tinkerbell or whatever slutty fairytale character you went as for Halloween and slap it on the bottle. They’ll be so busy picking feathers out of their glasses they won’t even look at the label. But if you’re allergic to feathers, you could try this…

Blind them with bling!

Blind them with bling!

Grab all the rhinestones you can find in your jewelry box and throw it on there. Bitches like bling and will be so distracted by all the sparkle that they won’t even notice that a Keisha or Sherri has snuck in among the Kendals, Laurens and Blaires.

But that’s just way too girly for you and too much trouble? Well, there’s nothing like understated simplicity to say…

The Hippster has Arrived

I'm too hip for my bubbles.

I’m too hip for my bubbles.

If some vintage ’80’s shades won’t convince them this bottle is the stuff of caviar dreams then it’s time to use the good ol’ standby–sex. Yep, when in doubt–sex it up. T and A will distract anyone from anything. Put liquor and sex together and you have a winner.

Wine Porn

Dude, I think her bubbles are fake.

Dude, I think her bubbles are fake.

A couple of christmas balls make for great cleavage. And who wouldn’t want gold boobs in their face? All night this bottle will be saying, “Hey, buddy–my cork’s up here.”

Not convinced that boobs bought at Hobby Lobby will do the trick? Let’s take it up a notch…

Where's a pole when you need one?

Where’s a pole when you need one?

Instead of hiding the cheap just flaunt it. Slip a pair of fishnets (washed if possible) over the bottle and then add a hair elastic and some ones. People will just think you brought the entertainment.

Still not finding the vibe you’re going for? Maybe you’re wanting to show them you can party like a reality show celebrity. They all drink Armand de Brignac–Ace of Spades. There’s no way you can plop down the equivalent of a Hyundai payment just to impress some folks, but that’s the kind of front you want. Well, grab some aluminum foil and some playing cards and you’ll be a baller just like Kim K and What’s-His-Face.

Baller Bubbles

Ace of Spades--bitches!

Ace of Spades–bitches!

Now that you have all the tips and tricks you need to slip some cheap ass bubbly into a swanky soiree, get out there and party! Keep on keepin’ it cheap, y’all!

Holy shit! Is that Rihanna?

Holy shit! Is that Rihanna?

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