Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women: Return From Rehab

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the surf of the web–we’re back! Yep. The cheap ladies are all out of rehab and ready to party (the relapse rate is rather high amongst this group). But our constant tumbling off the wagon gives you plenty of entertainment and something to point to and say to your teenage daughters, “Keep acting like you do and all you’ll have in life is a blog and failing liver.” We might be questionable mothers to our own children, but we provide  life lessons for other people’s kids.

Anyway, now that we’re back at our desks/bars, we can get on with some new reviews. And those reviews are on their way, but since some of us were a little slow to relapse this time (stupid group therapy guilt), we won’t be rolling that out until next week. Hey! Don’t run off. I still have something for you. It’s something my slightly not-right brain came up with–a flash of freakin’ genius. So keep reading and you will be dazzled by the depths of my depravity.

Cheap Woman Mission: Saving Manliness

trashy book cover 2

 

During the months of reviewing cheap bubbly here on the blog, I found my husband participating in the activities. Sometimes this was forced  on him due to some of the Cheap Women being busy with things like running phone scams and juvenile court, and other times it was just because he couldn’t resist the lure of bubbly goodness (and probably thought if he stuck around long enough my panties might accidentally fall off). One evening I happened to look up as he was taking a sip out of one of our champagne flutes and realized that there’s nothing manly or macho about drinking champagne. My hubby is a big, hairy man, but seeing him sip from that dainty little glass kind of made him go from this…

matt manly

to this…

matt champagne

See what I mean?!? He’s all ass-kickin’ manly with that gun in his hand, but switch it out for a champagne flute and BAM–sequins and unicorns! Now, maybe you want to argue that the bubble bath and that blonde chinchilla sleeping on his head play a part in the manliness depletion, but I still blame the champagne flute.

My next thought was, naturally, how can I change that? What can I do to make drinking bubbly a little more manly? Pour it in a mug? No. Drink it straight from the bottle? No. Too probably-dated-Kim-Kardashian. A koozie? Wouldn’t fit the glass. Wine tag? Ding-Ding-Ding!! I had a winner. What if I made manly wine tags? The dirty little gears in my brain started turning. I thought of ideas like little camo bands or tags with things like tiny cars, guns, mufflers, golf clubs and fishing lures. But that’s too boring.

So I let the idea simmer on the back burners for awhile and went about my business. And that’s when it happened. I was driving down the road when one of the millions of pickup trucks in Texas drove past me–and there it was. Swinging below the hitch was a giant set of peachy-colored Truck Nutz. What are Truck Nutz? They are a set of giant plastic testicles you can attach to your vehicle so the world knows that you’re just insecure enough about your manliness that you have to prove that you are a grade A-deer-hunting-butt-scratching-boob-ogling-American man. And what would be perfect for a man who doesn’t feel like he’s representing his Y chromosome to the fullest?  Why that would be a set of miniature balls hanging on his glass. And with that, ladies and gents, I give you…

 

CUP NUTS!!!

cup nuts normal

Nothing else declares you a man like a set of nads secured to a stem. A dude can strut through any baby shower or wedding he’s forced to attend with macho confidence as he sips from a flute adorned with Cup Nuts. And don’t worry, I’ve come up with nuts to match the men who use them.

cup nuts closeup

 For the run-of-the-mill white to slightly beige dudes.

cup nuts red

For the gingers out there who don’t wear anything under their kilts when they’re throwing poles around.

cup nuts grey

For the older gentlemen or maybe Gandalf.

cup nuts colored

For the men “of color.”

cup nuts colored 3

For the men “of color” who inspired the legends.

cup nuts blue

For the frustrated man who’s not getting any action.

cup nuts crab

For the avid fisherman, sailor, or the guy who just really needs to visit the clinic (probably the sailor).

cup nuts fabulous

And, finally, for the guy who’s just fabulous and proud. Or maybe the guy who man-scapes a little too much and decided to try out vajazzling for himself (if your man did this, please strongly encourage him to accept his fabulous nature and to move out of your closet).

And that’s it! What do you think? Genius, right?!? I think they’re so awesome that I might even use them for when I’m feeling a little butch. If you think your man is in need of some Cup Nuts before that next fundraiser brunch you drag him to, let me know.

Think about just how manly they would look if they'd been using Cup Nuts.

Think about just how manly they’d look if they’d been using Cup Nuts.

 

**Seriously. Cup Nuts, Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women, and all the other stuff you find on my blog is the creation of my warped little mind. Copyrights and all that jazz applies. In fact, a trademark is in the pipes.

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