If you read my last post you know that I’m dedicating this month to rating cheap champagnes. More specifically, a team of highly skilled “cheap” women has been assembled to rank bubbly from the divine to the rank and all that’s in between. It’s time to meet these women who so unselfishly took up the flag and agreed to march their livers onto the battlefield, all in the name of protecting others from shit-tay (that’s French talk for crappy) wine.
Now, I describe them as cheap, and that can mean a bunch of things, including thrifty. But if you google “cheap” or “thrifty” women, you get a bunch of coupon clippers, and that ain’t funny. Google “trashy” and it’s a whole other story. So, for the sake of funny, you’re getting trashy in all of it’s loose morals glory.
This fiery Arkansas mama was permanently banned from the PTA when they discovered
her sneaking vodka inside a Capri Sun juice pouch.
This sci-fi hottie was raised on the mean streets of Memphis, but don’t be using no bad grammar around her or she’ll grab your dangling participle and shank you with it.
This tiny Jewish mommy keeps the Carolinas smokin’. Her curves will make a blind, Baptist man yell “Mazel Tov!”
This bubbly blonde’s career in medicine backfired when she realized her cleavage was causing more heart attacks than she could help.
Don’t let her refined, ladylike ways fool you. This ginger is the reigning champ in the underground Downton Abbey rap battle circuit. And she just released 3 mix tapes. Word to ya mum!
She inspired Sir Mix A Lot’s “Baby Got Back”, but now this witty mama spends her days drinking at her government desk.
She may have invented lap dancing during her vaudeville days, but now she just gets confused and rides her horse naked through town.
She invented twerking almost 20 years ago between honor classes. This super mama is still the master of the craft, but now she calls it Zumba.
After school her house is like the little ol’ lady who lived in a shoe, but Jezebelle KNOWS what to do–vodka!
This Brit speaks French and sips tea. Too posh to be cheap, you say? Nope—she lives in Jersey and has chickens in her yard.
Don’t call this funny mama short—she’s “fun size.” She earned infamy among the neighborhood Bunko groups when she showed them she could hold a glass of whiskey between her boobs while she sewed her own thong.
This ADD mama doesn’t wear panties, but, if she did, she’d hot glue some gitter on those bitches (but still end up forgetting where she put them).
This creative, globetrotting girl got stuck in Texas, but her liver still pretends it’s in Rome. When not bathing in red wine, she likes cats and futbol (sometimes together).
And now for technical garbage……….
The Rating system:
We couldn’t just stick with a boring system of stars to rate these beverages. We had to come up with something that fit the theme. I finally decided on something that screams “cheap trying to be classy” (just like the sparkling wine we’re sampling)–Press-on Nails!! Am I right? I mean, nothing compares to red, plastic talons stuck on your fingers with sticky tape. So that’s it–the bubbly will be graded on a scale of 1 to 5 Press-on Nails. 1 nail means that particular drink should only be used for poisoning varmints or a cheating man. A score of 5 Press-on Nails means this is some high-class shit–we’d drink this stuff ’til our panties fell off (AKA- a panty-dropper).
The Lesson (Because Cheap Don’t Mean Stupid): Deciphering the code
Ever stared at the selection of bubble juice and scratched your head over all the dry, extra dry, Brut, etc..? Well, fear not–I shall give you the public school version of this lesson. It all has to do with sugar and how much is put in the batch of bubbly. In real honest-to-God champagne there’s a process of removing the sediment from a bottle after it’s fermented. That process is called disgorging. After that’s removed there’s space in the bottle that needs to be filled. That’s done with reserve wine. That process is called dosage and can affect the sweetness of the champagne. Some champagne producers don’t do the dosage part and that makes a very dry bubbly referred to as Brut Nature. But…
…we ain’t dealing in the good stuff. I doubt very seriously I will come across a Brut Nature within the cheap budget (but I’ll do my best). So, with that said, let’s look at the scale used to describe a wine on the sweetness scale.
Extra Brut/Brut Zero: Dry. Bone dry. Drier than a post-menapausal woman sleeping in the desert.
Brut: Crisp and dry but won’t make you feel like you dragged your tongue over a plank of plywood.
Extra Dry: Are you starting to scratch your head yet? I think the French just like to play little pranks on folks. Extra Dry is middle of the road, Not too dry and not too sweet–just right. That little delinquent, Goldilocks, would like this one.
Dry: In Frenchy prank language, dry actually means fairly sweet. If you lean towards sweeter, but just can’t take a moscato, go for this.
From that you move into the really-sweet-might-get-a-cavity stuff like the above mentioned moscato or a riesling. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. If you like it sweet–you like it sweet.
And until next time, here’s a quick shout out to some of the places I found these amazing photos: Missy Vintage, Vintage Venus, Johnny’s Vintage Archives and Vintage Photos of Burlesque Dancers. I’d also like to recommend the Pinterest board where I found most of those amazing book covers: Black Suede (I dig her stuff and I think you will too).