Welcome to the first official review for Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women!! (Let’s all take a moment to picture this as a big boat with an old lady in a funny hat smashing a bottle of bubbly on the hull.) And on with the show!
victim product is Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Champagne. I chose it because it’s cheap, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was the pink that pulled me in. This bottle of California sparkles can be bought pretty much anywhere: Wal-Mart, Target, Kroger, Walgreens, etc… Hell, I wouldn’t blink if I saw it being sold at a roadside tamale stand. Before we get down to what our group of esteemed critics said about this particular libation, let’s learn something.
The Lesson (Because Cheap Doesn’t Mean Stupid): Moscato–the Quick and Dirty Facts
Moscato is a sparkling wine that typically comes from Italy. It’s made from moscato (muscat) grapes. Being that Barefoot works out of California and Argentina, my 7th grade Geography class is telling me this wasn’t made in Italy (thank you Mr. Davis for educating me–I know you’re proud). So,that being determined, we’ll assume that it was made with muscat grapes but nowhere close to Italy.
Now, let’s talk about those bubbles. As you remember from my first post, bubbles in fancy French champagne come from a traditional method called Méthode Champenoise. This is a second fermentation that takes place in the bottle. It takes longer and requires pride in tradition as well as lots of patience (something the French possess but not so many Americans). The Barefoot people don’t do the super cheap system of directly injecting CO2 into this bubbly, but it uses the Charmat method. This means the secondary fermentation takes place before bottling while the wine sits in big metal barrels. It ain’t the fancy French method, but it ain’t soda pop neither.
We’ve gotten the region, grapes, and bubbles out-of-the-way. The only thing left is to explain the color. Pink! Where does it get that blush and bashful hue? Well, most pink moscato is made from Muscat Blanc grapes but is infused with some red wine like merlot, pinot noir or whatever red wine they had laying around. I couldn’t find out exactly what they put in Barefoot Bubbly’s moscato, but who cares–it’s pink!!
And with that…
Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Sparkling Champagne
This is what the folks at Barefoot Bubbly say about their pink moscato– “Deliciously sweet and bubbly with flavors of red tree fruit and fresh berries. A creamy finish collides perfectly with candied cherries and sweet citrus flavors making it the sweetest Bubbly we’ve got.”
My first thought was that they also refer to their sparkling wines as champagne when they really aren’t, so I was already hesitant to believe their description, but that’s why we’re tasting it.
They went on to suggest pairings with this bubbly– “Get the night started with
some cheese, sweet treats and some fresh fruit!”
When I read in the comment section on their page that one drinker strongly suggested that you mix it with diet Mt. Dew, I knew we could be in some trouble. Let’s see what our panel of cheap ladies had to say.
Cristal Chandelier: Sweet Jesus (with the emphasis on the sweet)! Smells better than it tastes. I like bubbly stuff, but this reminded me of a Shirley Temple for grown-ups. I probably would only drink it again if it was free – and I was already drunk on good champagne. It sure is pretty, though! I was going to give it a 2 but I’ll give it 2.5 Press-on Nails. I don’t want it to feel bad because it’s nasty.
Sassy Bubbles: I knew it would be sweet when I heard moscato– Surprisingly, it didn’t taste as sweet as the moscato wine I’ve sampled before. The bubbles seemed to make it a drier version. Still, I’m not a big fan. It was so pink & pretty & I love the way it bubbles, but I just can’t get past the sweet. I enjoyed it much better today as a mimosa! (A side note: You should’ve seen the blonde locks of the dude who sold it to me. He was jammin’ to the Beastie Boys & had the longest, thickest hair, most girls would be jealous of.) 1.5 Press-on Nails.
Chardonnay-nay Jones: It reminded me of cheap white zin and Sprite, not that it kept me from drinking the whole bottle. It made me burp–a lot. But after my third glass, I didn’t care and it paired well with my Lean Cuisine chicken/broccoli shit.
2 Press-on Nails
Granny Hooch: Let me tell ya girls, I’ve made moonshine outta horse apples that tasted better than that sickeningly sweet, sorry excuse for a sparkly. Those Barefoot people need ta find their shoes and walk on over to a different grape, Leave those poor muscato grapes alone; makes me embarrassed for ’em. I give that bubbly 1 Press-on Nail–pressed right onto my middle finger.
Sparkle Spumante: It looks really pretty and has tons of bubbles. *takes first sip* When the hell did Juicy Juice start making wine? Yeah, there are hints of fruit alright–apple juice and NuGrape. But I muscled through and by the third glass my tongue was numb and it went down pretty easy.
2 Press-on Nails
Bianca Blanc: Does shit come in pink? Does it come in a bottle? Yes it does! Did that stop me from drinking the entire bottle? Nope. Did somebody accidentally drink it before work and have to call a friend to drive them in? I’ll never tell, but if they did–they made twice the tips.
2 Press-on Nails
Tipsy Tiffanie: First of all, I couldn’t find it in the small ass town that I live, but it was not to be deterred. I decided to go Christmas shopping in Shreveport and stopped at a gas station in Homer, LA. To my surprise, they had it! (Please note that this station also sells grinders and scales for “tobacco use only”. Shopped all day long and decided to stay at the new Jimmy Buffett casino. After shopping with 4 kids in tow, we sent them to the movies and hit the casino. I won $1300 on a nickel slot machine and decided to go back to my room and celebrate with my bubbly. I had two other “of age” people with me and we all thought it was pretty good. I don’t know if it was because I had been drinking for several hours beforehand though. My husband says it takes a little like Diet Cherry 7-Up, but that did not deter him. I would give it 3 but I’m afraid that would be the other alcohol talking. Over all I give it 2.5 press on nails!
Venus Riesling: Now, I like sweet and when I say sweet…where I come from, we make tea by making simple syrup: dumping a cup or two or three of sugar into half a cup of hot water. For sweetness, a 3. Bubbles and fizz, a 4. Overall flavor, for $10 it’s pretty good, but I’m partial to pink moscato (can’t stand moscato though). Like pink lemonade vs lemonade–I can tell the difference. 4 Press-on Nails
Jezebelle Noir: I score Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato 4 Press-on Nails. Why? Because it was cheap, it had my mother with a practically broken back dancin’ and me rollin’ on the floor laughin’!
What all that means:
Well, the average score for Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato comes to a whopping 2.35 Press-on Nails. If you’re a high school football player and that’s your GPA–congrats you have a full scholarship! If you’re a non-sport-playing student with that GPA–welcome to telemarketer training! If you’re a wine and that’s the score you were given–ehhh. You’re middle of the road. It won’t kill the opossum living under your porch, but it won’t impress those uppity in-laws either. I do want to note that this panel has a lot of dry-lovin’ ladies on it. If I take the scores from just the girls who love sweet–it got a 4! If I include the sweet-middle girls–it’s over a 3. So, that being said, if you love sweet bubbly and want something pink, you should give this a try. If you like it dry–this probably ain’t for you.
A final note: All of these reviews made me giggle and laugh, but I have to say my favorite came from Jezebelle Noir. Why? Because it was a great reminder of what champagne is all about. It’s about celebrating life and having fun. It’s about bringing people together. We can’t all afford Cristal and Dom, but we all deserve to feel like we can, and that’s what this little blog is all about. Grab a bottle, follow along and dance on some tables while you’re at it.
Next week join us for a threesome! (All of a sudden the number of male subscribers went through the roof.) We’ll be reviewing 3 different brands of sparkling, liquid magic. Cheers!!!
*Want to get to know the panel batter? Read their bios here.