Cheap Champagne for Cheap Women

champagne quote

I know that Mondays are usually reserved for Mommy’s Little Helper posts, so don’t worry, this won’t stray far from that theme. You see, I’ve become obsessed with champagne ever since my birthday party this past January where I decided on a pink champagne theme. That obsession got my little wheels turning.
Champagne is lovely and sparkly and girly. I’m not always girly, but when I am–I’m damn girly! I would love to sip champagne more often than I do, but that would impact my budget and the law frowns on me sending my children to school in clothing fashioned from plastic grocery bags and cereal boxes. That’s when I came up with a solution–drink cheap champagne!

Just looking at that makes me feel more girly.

Just looking at that makes me feel more girly.

And that is when the lightbulb sparked in my head. What if I do a series of posts dedicated to finding the best of the cheap champagnes? I could do taste tests! Yes! I could assemble a panel of “cheap” women to taste cheap champagne and rate it. Brilliance! I mean, why not sacrifice a few liver cells for the greater good of all the other on a budget cheap girls out there? I’m a giver, people.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m assembling a national team of cheap women experts to lend their taste buds and opinions to the blog. Their identities will be concealed to protect the innocent (and keep child protective services at bay), but their opinions will be uncensored.
Who doesn’t want to base their beverage purchases off the opinions of women who know there’s nothing that says you’re a woman like red nail polish, a good-fitting bra and glitter? And, if you think about it, it’s the perfect time of year to explore some sparkly drinks. We’ll give you the scoop on the best of the lowbrow brew, so you can disguise those bottles with some glitter and serve it up with pride at your holiday shindig. Yee haw, bitches–it’s gonna be fun!!
Now, to pass the time while I assemble my crackhead crack team of fluzzies, I’ll give you a quick and dirty (who doesn’t love that?) course on the fizzy stuff.

Cheap Doesn’t Mean Stupid: Lesson 1

It ain't real if it ain't from France.

It ain’t real if it ain’t from France.

Not all champagne is created equal. In fact, a lot of stuff sold as “champagne” is an imposter–a hooker in wife’s clothing. A sparkling wine shouldn’t be referred to as champagne unless it was produced in the Champagne region of France. I agree with that. I understand why all those little French guys get their berets in a knot over this. ( I recently discovered my novel is being pirated online, so I know what it’s like to feel like all your hard work has been shat upon.) That being said, the name of the series will keep the word champagne in it even if we’re really sampling sparkling wine (it just sounds better).
And that brings us to said sparkling wine. That’s pretty much bubbly made anywhere else in the world, whether that’s a vineyard in California or a whorehouse in Nevada. We’re not judging where it comes from, just what it tastes like.
What are the differences you ask? Well, outside of where it is produced, it comes down to how those magic little bubbles get in the bottle. In real champagne they are formed during the second fermentation that takes place in the bottle. With sparkling wine, most are shot up with CO2 just like a bottle of soda pop. So they’re still sparkling and festive, just cheap! Think of champagne as the Marilyn Monroe or Liz Taylor of drinks, while Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are the sparkling wines (they’re pretty, sparkly and fun, but they just can’t shake the “cheap” off).

And that’s it for our first lesson. Next time you’ll be introduced to our panel of experts and given a second little dose of knowledge. Until then, stop by my Pinterest page and have a look at my Pink Champagne Party Board. It’s snazzy!

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