Mommy’s Little Helper Monday

It’s a beautiful Monday (repeat this 100 times until you believe it or somebody calls the authorities because they think you’re a danger to yourself and others). How was your weekend? Saturday started off well with my middle son scoring a goal from midfield during his soccer game and then enjoying a pizza party with his friends. It went downhill from there. That same wonderful boy managed to flood my bathroom. Have I mentioned that we’ve had two small floods in our home within the last month? The first one took out our two other bathrooms that are still under construction. This minor flood didn’t do enough damage to require walls and floors being torn out, but it was enough to make me clean up toilet water and piss me off.

One of my many hooker heels that willbe very lonely for a couple of months.

One of my many hooker heels that will be very lonely for a couple of months.

Then the dog escaped. The boys didn’t listen and chased her so she decided it was a game. I got the bright idea to use my mad ninja skills and hide around the corner of our fence and snag her when she ran past. It worked but it freaked her out so bad that she started flipping around and managed to step on and twist my little toe…and broke it. So now I have a fat, little blue sausage for a toe, which really isn’t much different from how it usually looks aside from the color.

What really pisses me off is that I won’t be able to get a pedicure or wear any of my hooker heels for weeks!!! Grrr….

Ok. I’ve bitched and moaned about my stupid little problems and am going back to keeping it all in perspective. Maybe we should just get on with some drinks and funny.

Keep reading. You'll understand.

Keep reading. You’ll understand.

The Libation:

I’m on a diet. I want to bitch about this, too, but it’s my own damn fault for gaining the 12 pounds that are keeping me from wearing my normal clothes. I’m one of those people who won’t allow themselves to go buy new clothes that fit because then I might get comfortable. So, I’m wearing my stretch pants, t-shirts, and tennis shoes everyday. Thin lycra/cotton stretched that tight is frightening to look at and probably offensive to those who must be around me, but too bad. I’m going to at least look like I’m working out even if I’m not. Anyway, because I’m trying not to eat pure sugar for every meal, I decided to look up some low-calorie libations.

During a trip to visit the BFF, we discovered this skinny bitch wine (not the real name but you can figure it out pretty quick), and we grabbed a bottle. Not a good idea. You could make this yourself. Just take a real bottle of wine, pour half a glass, and fill it the rest of the way with water. Seriously. Not good. We also tried skinny margaritas. Not good. This left me with rolling up my sleeves and diving in for some Magnum P.I. style investigation (if you have to investigate shit you might as well do it in a Ferrari and a Hawaiian shirt). Here’s what I came up with as the best alternatives when you’re watching your thighs.

Miss Goody-Two-Shoes My-Thighs-Will-Never-Touch-Because-I-Stick-To-My-Diet Options (under 150 calories):

• Skinnygirl margarita (4 oz): 100 (Bleck…insert sounds of gagging)
• Green apple martini (1 oz each vodka, sour apple, apple juice): 148
• Port wine (3 oz):128 (Does anyone really drink this?)
• Bloody Mary (5 oz): 118
• Red wine (5 oz):120
• White wine (5 oz): 120
• Alcohol-free wine (5 oz): 20-30 (Are you serious? Who thought this stupid shit up? Go buy some diabetic grape juice if you want this.)
• Light beer (12 oz): 95-136
• Ultra-light beer (12 oz): 64-95
• Champagne (5oz): 106-120
• Wine spritzer (5 oz): 100
• Mimosa (4 oz): 75
• Rum and Diet Coke (8 oz): 100
• Mike’s Hard Lemonade (11 oz): 98

My personal picks on this list are mimosas (the breakfast of champions), champagne (every girl feels prettier sipping those magic bubbles), Mike’s Hard Lemonade (we like anything with the word hard in it), and my all-time favorite– rum and Diet Coke.

Miss Nobody’s-Looking-And-I-Had-A-Pretty-Shitty-Day Options (150-200 calories):

• Martini (2.5 oz): 160
• Beer (12 oz): 150-198
• Spiced cider with rum ( 8 oz):150
• Mulled wine (5 oz): 200 (Uh…Do you also knit your own underwear while sipping this and watching Martha Stewart reruns?)
• Vodka and tonic (8 oz): 200
• Screwdriver (8 oz): 190 (They said screw…huh..huh…)
• Gin and tonic (7 oz): 200
• Rum and Coke (8 oz): 185

Some good choices here, but for one of these you could have 2 to 3 of the ones on the first list. That’s some important math, people. Think about it.

Miss My-Kids-Suck-My-Life-Sucks-And-You-Can-Kiss-My-Fat-Jiggly-Thighs-You-Skinny-F#ckin’-Bitches options (between 200 and you don’t give a shit calories):

• Long Island iced tea (8 oz): 780 (Holy shit! At least they make that one drink count considering it’s ALL liquor–no mixers.)
• White Russian (2 oz vodka, 1.5 oz coffee liqueur, 1.5 oz cream): 425
• Mai Tai (6 oz) (1.5 oz rum, 1/2 oz cream de along, 1/2 oz triple sec, sour mix, pineapple juice): 350
• Eggnog with rum (8 ounces): 370
• Hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps (8 oz): 380
• Hot buttered rum (8 oz): 292
• Coffee liqueur (3 ounces): 348
• Godiva chocolate liqueur (3 oz): 310
• Pina Colada (6 oz): 378 calories (These calories are automatically voided if you’re lucky enough to be swimming to a bar to order it.)
• Mojito (8 oz): 214 calories
• Chocolate martini: (2 oz each vodka, chocolate liqueur, cream, 1/2 oz creme de cacao, chocolate syrup): 438
• Margarita (8 oz): 280

So there you have it. No matter where you fall in the categories that day, you have options!! You can thank me later.

Magnum kept finding fruity drinks at Rick's bar. Not much help but I let him stick around.

Magnum kept finding fruity drinks at Rick’s bar. Not much help but I let him stick around.

The Duh-I-Already-Knew-That Helpful Tip:

Ok, I just dug up all that info on the internet (thanks, WebMD) without the help of T.C. and his helicopter and you still expect a tip? Geez. Ok. Here it is– chasing a crazed husky down an alley is a bad idea. Don’t do it! You will break your toe. Also, wear your most fierce hooker shoes every chance you get because you never know when you might decide to chase a husky down an alley and break your stupid toe.

The Funny:

I thought you might get a kick out of this snapshot that was taken of me during my day as Magnum. That lazy T.C. was too good to let me use his helicopter but certainly didn’t mind weaseling his way into a picture. That’s ok. I told him that Long Island Ice Teas are great for your waistline. He had two and took off in his chopper. I’m not sure what all that smoke is out there behind those palm trees. Oh, well…here it is.

Wow! I didn't realize how good I looked in a mustache...and look at that package. Why did those short shorts ever go out?

Wow! I didn’t realize how good I looked in a mustache…and look at that package. Why did those short shorts ever go out?

Aloha!!

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