Mommy’s Little Helper Monday

Well, I’ve been gone from this blog awhile but that’s about to change. With a newly published book and a change in my writing schedule, this little blog is getting some attention. Mondays and Fridays will be dedicated to this project while Wednesdays will be reserved for Wckedwords.

To kick off this new venture I’m christening these posts as “Mommy’s Little Helper Mondays.” What’s that? Well, I figured that the idea of reserving the weekends as your time for a little “shot” of relaxation was just ass-backwards. Monday is the beginning of the week–the beginning of carpools, teacher conferences, soccer practice, trumpet lessons, robot club, cleaning, working, pet neutering appointments, PTA slavery volunteering crap. Why in the hell would you wait until Friday for that drink?!? I say, Screw that! Carpe diem vino, bitches.

So, every Monday I’ll be posting a drink recipe, a helpful tip (like where to hide your stash), and something to make you laugh. It is a digital version of a sanity kit for mommies. So let’s break some champagne on the bow of this ship and send it out on its maiden voyage.

The Libation:

My husband discovered this wonderful vodka– UV Cake. Yes, cake and liquor in one bottle!! (It’s all the proof you need that God loves women.) And once I had this in my hands it didn’t take long to come up with a crafty way to mix it. This, my friends, is the Pineapple Upside-down Martini.

Everything you need to make it pretty, but if you're in a hurry just grab the vodka and juice.

Everything you need to make it pretty, but if you’re in a hurry just grab the vodka and juice.

You can do this as fancy or as simple as you want. Break out the shaker and jigger if you want to feel like you’re getting a $16 martini from the local bar, or skip that shit and just eyeball it. (Confession: I’m the eyeballing type so the pretty barware is just for show in my picture.) Shake (or mix with your finger) a half to full jigger (depending on your taste and how many kids you have) of the vodka with a 1/2 to full cup of pineapple juice (canned tastes better than the frozen in the photo), and some ice. Drop a maraschino cherry in the bottom of your glass and pour the liquid over it. To make it fancy use an actual martini glass instead of a plastic Elmo sippy cup and use raw sugar on the rim. Then stab some pineapple and another cherry on a pick and drop it in there. Ta-da!! Instant vacation.

Ahh...a vacation in a glass always makes parenting more enjoyable.

Ahh…a vacation in a glass always makes parenting more enjoyable.

Now, after downing one or two of these liquid cakes, you’re ready to move on to my helpful tip for this Monday.

Duh–I Already Knew That Helpful Tip:

This is simple but I found it out the hard way. If you go snag some cheap-ass, dark jeans for your kids from Old Navy, turn those bastards inside-out before you wash them in COLD water. It was not fun opening my brand new, expensive time travel washing machine and finding it stained blue. Same thing with the dryer, and guess what–that crap comes off on the next load. After a quick search I discovered that better moms than me knew to turn them inside out. The really good moms soak the jeans in cold water and vinegar first, but I’m more in the boat of “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Now that you’ve read my helpful tip that you probably already knew, here’s something to make you laugh. Well, it made me laugh, but I have a really warped sense of humor. Anyway, happy Monday!!

Take that, Ang! This is the American version. Yee haw!

Take that, Ang! This is the American version. Yee haw!

**I snagged this off facebook, but with a little searching I believe its source is nicsmal from

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