An “I-Only-Cook-So-The-Goverment-Won’t-Take-My-Kids” Recipe

I know it’s been awhile so I thought I’d dip my toes back into the blogging pond. But since my time is stretched tighter than Christina Aguilera’s bra, this will be brief.

My blog is humor-based and trust me that there is nothing funnier than me offering cooking advice, but that’s what I’m doing. I’m posting a recipe that even I can do (or a one-armed monkey with brain damage), and it actually tastes damn good. What makes this even funnier is that the recipe was given to me by my BFF (another person who would rather have her entire body waxed than cook).

When we were college freshmen the two of us survived on a barter system that consisted of her ironing our clothes and me making our sandwiches. When we didn’t have bread and cheese, we survived on the Phillips 66 buffet that consisted of beef jerky, Pringles, and whatever fountain drink we could mix our liquor into (that came to a stop when my father got the Phillips gas card bill and took it away).

Seriously!! This is all you need to make some kick-ass gravy.

Anywho…because I have never been able to duplicate my grandmother’s amazing pot roast, here is my version. Ready? You won’t believe this is going to work, but here it goes… One packet of Lipton Onion soup mix, one can of cream of mushroom soup, one roast, carrots, potatoes, and what ever you want (celery, onion, mushrooms, catnip- whatever!)

First, get your crock pot out and dust it off. Pour the can of soup inside, dump the packet of magic Onion Soup mix on top of the blob of soup, and stir that stuff up with a fork, spoon, Barbie doll leg- whatever is handy.

Now, you will look at this unattractive mixture and think, “There’s no freakin’ way this is going to work. It’s going to burn and catch my house on fire and I’ll still end up buying the kids Sonic just like I was going to do before I started all this ‘crazy’ cookin’ stuff.” Don’t fret. I promise that it will work!!!

Next, set the roast of your chews-ing (ok, that was lame) on top of the beige blob. I usually pick out a separate roast and all of the extras but then my husband brought home a sealed package of easiness and it worked just as well without having to cut onions or celery. It may have cost a buck more and didn’t come with all of the left over veggies, but it worked great and saved me a half hour in shopping and prep (that counts big time in my world).

A vacuum-sealed bag of “lazy”

Throw all of your veggies in, set the thing on low, and let it cook all day. It won’t look pretty, but it will taste damn good. The best part, it took five freakin’ minutes of actual work. Damn, I love crock pots.

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